watching Gilmore Girls

Next Friday we will get four new Gilmore Girls episodes so I’ve been rewatching the whole series for the last couple of weeks and it strikes me again and again how much the whole Emily-Lorelei-Rory dynamic was/is like Gran-Mom-Me.

I started watching Gilmore Girls the minute it was released in Germany which was after season three had aired in the US (I think) because we got the first three seasons back to back without having to wait for new episodes. Plus, it was a five episodes per week show and only got to a one episode per week show once the show became an international hit. By then, I watched the weekly new episodes with my Mom and we even joked about how much we were like that. Not that she had me at 16 but it still felt very much like she raised me herself without my father. We even went as far as calling Grandma Emily. Never to her face but when we talked about her.

It’s weird that there are now new episodes of this show I will never get to share with my Mom.

Today I was furious with my Emily as she is in the process of moving out of her big house into a flat and she’s being insufferable about the whole ordeal. Has been the whole time. And instead of accepting the help that’s offered to her, she just likes to continue to play the martyr. Afterwards I watched the season 7 episode in which Emily freaks out because she has to do a tax thing and Lorelai helps her and they have a rare moment of bonding and it’s all gone in the morning. Emily is back to her coldness towards Lorelai; keeping her at arms length. This is not a perfect parallel and yet it’s what stuck with me the most today.

In that episode Emily tells Lorelai that she’s a kayak, meaning she’s independent. She knows how to take care of herself and her business and is not dependent on a man like she, Emily, is. And that resonated with me because I am a kayak as well. I’ve never been anything but a kayak because it’s all I ever knew how to do and be. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m proud of it but I do think it makes letting go enough to find a partner, someone to actually let into my life, more difficult.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. Probably because theatre is over and I have more time on my hands now and also I’m in the last year of my 20s. Yeah. That happened.

Do I actually, actually possess the capacity for romantic love? I’ve had crushes but I’ve never been in love. Never. And I don’t know the first thing about meeting women to date. And also, as much as I want to not be by myself, I have no clue how to fit another person into my life. I assume it just happens once I am dating someone for longer than it takes me to drink a coke. But I don’t know for sure.

There has always been a discrepancy between the way my world looks inside my head and what it is outside of it. I’m not good at telling the people in my life which are important to me, how I feel about them. Not face to face. I’m not good with spoken feelings. Only when it’s in written form. I’m way too scared of rejection. I’m way too scared of being a burden or inappropriate and people finally realising what a scam of a person I actually am. It is ridiculous.

I told a friend recently how I feel like I don’t deserve love and I didn’t even know why I thought that. And then I thought some more about it even after the conversation ended because that’s what I do. My takeaway was that I think I need to be nicer, skinnier and prettier to be able to date or, god forbid, be in a relationship. Intellectually I know that’s completely crazy. But it’s what it all boils down to. I prefer to make myself invisible rather than standing up for myself. Because if no one disagrees with me I can’t get hurt, right?

But that’s a lonely and stupid way too live.

When I think about what I’ve found attractive about people in the past, looks only play a lower role. Sure, there is something that initially catches your eye but it’s not what makes me stay. Their personality does. So why should it be different for other people looking at me? Why do I not play by the same rules set up by myself? And this is why I won’t sign up again for tinder or OKC, even if I waver on that decision on some days. Because I don’t want to decide upon a couple of pictures if that person has potential. It’s so superficial. And I know, I know I’m supposed to talk to them but ugh. That’s so awkward and no thank you.

Is this even about Gilmore Girls anymore? I don’t know. I don’t have a clever conclusion to this post. I’m sad and excited that Gilmore Girls will be back in my life even for a brief visit. I’m still not fair to myself. I maybe never will be. Mostly I’m just a scared puppy. With that, see you soon.

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  • cupitonians

    I miss your writing!