Yesterday I wrote about how I was scared because of violence everywhere. More extremists, more fear mongering. Today a friend of mine was close to the (one of the / at the moment it is not clear how many there were) shooter in Munich. My friend is okay but since I learned about this shooting I felt paralysed.

I’ve been in a perpetual state of fear for a while now, not as bad as I am right now but still. (It also doesn’t help I’m watching Person of Interest at the moment because the Samaritan reality seems too real for my liking.)

The first time was 9/11. I was 13 then it was my first experience with this sort of thing. Back then we weren’t as linked with the world and most of my news came from watching the daily news on some TV network. I remember the days following 9/11 and being glued to CNN because they seemed to have better news, more direct access than the German ones.

I decided to get a blog after the shooting in Norway in 2011 because I felt that I needed a place to put my thoughts. This place became more than I ever anticipated but also never got that political.

The thing is, I stay silent. As vocal as I can be on the internet, I usually stay silent in person. It’s one of my traits I like least and still cab’t seem to shake. I can’t make myself speak up because I always feel like other people know more when in fact they’re just more vocal in their own held believes. They’re rarely better informed or smarter than me on a subject, they just don’t give a shit. I tend to run with a discussion because it means not having to put up a fight.

I choose my battles wisely. Too wisely sometimes.

Engaging takes a lot of effort and it makes me feel like a hypocrite to not do anything.

But retreated inwards has always been my safe mode.

I’m afraid of getting ostracised for my opinions when they’re not those of the larger group.

Like, yes I’m afraid of so many immigrants coming to Germany but I also know my own privilege and more importantly I know that not every immigrant is a fraud/thief/criminal/rapist/suicide bomber/whatever. Most of them aren’t. We have enough people like that in our German population and I don’t automatically assume they are one of the above so I’m not making that assumption about immigrants either. I hardly take that stance in public though. Only in certain circles where I know I’m “safe”.

Maybe this comes for always having to watch out whom to feed which details about my private life. When is it safe for me to come out or be out as a lesbian? That’s just so ingrained in my being even in 2016.

All of this is a shabby attempt at making my way out of my responsibility to stand up for what I believe in.

So how do I change this? I don’t know right now.

This is all I have for tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

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