what i do deserve

Last night I finished reading ‘If I Was Your Girl’ by Meredith Russo, a story about a mtf trans girl going through her teenage years and it left me in a small existential crisis. Well, maybe not an existential crisis but it dumped some truth bombs over my head that made me go all feelsy. It wasn’t just the ending, I was a feelsy mess throughout a big part of the book because even though I’m a cis woman, a lot of it hit home for me.

At the end the protagonist – Amanda – talks about how she finally feels like she deserves to be happy, loved. Just everything. And my mind went BOOM because I don’t. And of course I need a book to make me realise that. Because books always make me realise my truths.

Back in 2013 I wrote a post about deserving stuff and how it’s a weird concept to me. I always expect the other shoe to drop once something good happens in my life and you know why? Right! Because deep down, I don’t think I deserve to be happy.

I really do not because I have this view of myself fostered by all the TV I absorbed over the years. I’ve formed an opinion of how a good and accomplished person acts and on the days I cannot even come close to fulfilling those expectations I have of myself, I’m at my lowest. There are days at the office where it takes me 5 hours to write five sentences of a report because I just can’t bring myself to do it. I physically can’t. I claim to have a weak will which is only half the truth because I can also be very strong willed when it comes to something I care about.
There are days I sit in front of my TV watching all the Marvel movies with Scarlet Johansson while avoiding responsibilities I should fulfil but I have to take a break from being a person. I have to escape reality for however long it takes me to recharge my batteries.

TL;DR I don’t fulfil my own expectations of myself and thus I think I don’t deserve the things I want because surly, if I were a better person, more selfless, more understanding, more productive, more engaged (really, the list goes on and on) I would maybe be worthy of being loved. Not like this though. Not like I am right now.

I’ve never learned to look on the bright side of things because life never taught me to. A good thing happened and next thing I knew was the roller coaster plunging downhill full force into the abyss.

And I know this is partially on me. It’s who I am but also, can I blame society? Because we as women are taught to not be vain and self absorbed. Those aren’t good qualities for women when they seem fine on successful men. I can’t take a compliment because I feel like I don’t deserve acknowledging I deserve the compliment. My language is full of excuses. Seriously, the number of times I have to edit “sorries” out of my work emails  is astounding. Even more so when I consider I’ve been drinking the feministic cool aid practically since I was born.

I help at keeping work places saver.
I help businesses staying out of trouble with the authorities.
I spend a LOT of time doing a hobby I don’t get paid for; where the only payoff is the applause and laughter of an audience.
I am pretty smart. Not as smart as I wish I’d be or as smart as some of my friends but I made it through school with advanced maths and physics classes and I finished my university degree almost on time which is surprising when you spend a semester abroad and take care of your dying mother in the process of getting a degree.

So why the fuck can I not see the good in myself? Why do I have to put myself down because I’m afraid of getting too full of myself?

It is okay to take time off from life every now and then if that’s what I feel like.
It is okay to take a compliment.
And it’s okay to like myself. Even when there is nobody else around, I, at least, should be the one who loves myself.
My mother died of cancer and it’s okay to be happy. Her death is not my fault.
It’s okay to be who I am even if I never got the chance to tell her I’m gay.
It’s okay to be a 28 year-old virgin because apparently I have some shit to figure out first before I can even begin to let someone else into this life.
I’m okay.
It’s okay to be okay.

These are the truths I have to internalise; I need to cut out the negativity I put out about myself. There already is enough negativity in the world without me adding to it.

So I’m going to work on this. Not sure how but I need to. I have flaws because I’m a human being and not a character in a TV show for crying out loud.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody.

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