The title is probably a silly statement coming from me but it’s where I’m at right now. I’ve given up on the whole idea because I can’t bear it. It’s just not for me apparently and I’m pretty happy with this decision right now. Better than I’ve been in a long while, actually.
Last year, I had a very promising encounter on tinder that went on for a couple of weeks until she ghosted me and I guess that’s a standard operating procedure. It threw me off though because while I can see the appeal from the side of the ghoster, being on the recipient end sucks. Especially when you’re like me and hate living in suspension. I like things to be clear and if you can’t even say “sorry, not interested anymore” in response to a question then I’m sorry but you’re not worth my time.
This little tidbit is only a small reason though why I’m not trying to pursue any kind of romantic relationship anymore. The big reason, I’m afraid, I’m not sure I know it myself besides it stresses me out and I don’t want to.
On Easter Sunday I went to a party with two of my male work friends who are also both single and around my age and OH MY GOD am I glad I’m gay and don’t have to deal with straight dating. Maybe we gays aren’t much better but listening to those two, usually really sweet guys, talk about women and their expectations out of the women they want to date, almost makes me sick. And those are the somewhat more good guys.
I’ve always wanted a significant other for mostly the wrong reasons. I wanted someone to be there for me, to take care of me when I needed it and probably more things that I don’t even remember right now. I thought I had to have a family of my own by now or at least till I’m 30 (which I’ll turn next year). But why should I put all that pressure on myself when I don’t even know how to actually fit another person into my current life? I barely get all the things done I like doing anyway and it would mean dropping something. I’m not sure I would want to do that.
Plus, as much as I crave intimacy with another person, it also freaks me the hell out because hello 28 years of commitment and abandonment issues.
I guess I’ll be sitting this social experience out for now, thanks. Of course I can change my mind anytime but for now, I’m good with where I’m at. Additionally, summer is around the corner which means I get to silently pine after my latent straight girl crush for the third year in a row. Isn’t that fun? Because some things, I never learn.