not being my mom

My parents weren’t happy, I don’t know what happy, loving parents are like because I never experienced that. Sure, I was immensely loved by Mom and Grandma but my parents didn’t set a good example for what a healthy and stable relationship looks like.

I understand how it’s not fair to blame everything on my parents but since high school I’ve been afraid to end up like the women in my family – alone and sad. There’s even a very cryptic comment from a high school friend of mine in our graduation paper; a comment I didn’t even explain to my Mom when she read it because I couldn’t bring myself to.

In short, I never wanted to be like my mother. She was a lovely woman, don’t get me wrong but there’s a part of her life I don’t want to recreate. Such as marrying an asshole like my father. And in that, all of this may have become a self fullfilling prophecy. All of this is brought to you by me watching a cheesy teen movie with Hilary Duff.

Because, I don’t think I’m even wired to let someone in while my pathological need to not end alone doesn’t agree with that world view at all. There, I think that’s my underlying problem. I’ve struggled through this in 2015 and I don’t expect to be magical done with this when I hit publish but writing, man, that’s always been my way out. Admitting you have a problem and figuring out what it is, is the first step. I don’t know how to fix this. Yet. I’m trying though.

Maybe letting go of my fear of becoming my mother is something I need to do because look, either way, I’m on my best way to become what I didn’t want to become. So why not just throw all caution in the wind and go for it?! I have a million inner nets holding me back from various things. Starting with being afraid of holding eye contact with any person to fundamental fears of not being good enough on a broad spectrum.

Where does this leave me now? Maybe a tiny bit closer to inner peace, maybe not. Either way, you can be sure to hear about more of my life’s struggles as they develop.

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