too many things in my head

The problem with starting your day watching Sally Field’s HRC acceptance speech from 2012 first thing in the morning is, it gives you feels. All the feels. Even more so, when you’re already emotional about your own birthday coming up and having to celebrate it without your mother. Not that the motherlessness is a new development.

I can’t say what it is about this year, why I am such a mess. I don’t remember missing Mom like this last year for my birthday. Maybe I need to go on vacation every year for my birthday, who knows. Maybe this is a completely normal reaction I just need to accept. Congratulations, me, you’re not a robot after all. Your tiny human heart is capable of feelings. HUZZAH!

Last weekend I met up with Mom’s childhood BFF who is also my godmother. We don’t get to see each other often because she lives in Berlin and I live on the other side of the country but she is lovely and I always enjoy our get togethers. Even when she is belittling my small town living. I’m not a fan of that, never have been, never will.

And then I had to come out to her. Had to, because I know I dodged the question last time we met and also because I don’t want to have to pretend anymore. It went fine; a big city woman doesn’t get flustered by such an admission but it was me who couldn’t hold her ice-cream spoon steady for a while afterwards. I knew it was coming when I knew we were meeting but it still sends my body into an adrenaline overdrive when the moment gets there. Every time. It gets easier the more times I do it but apparently I haven’t done it enough times to not be fazed by it. It doesn’t help that I still have a hard time rolling the German word for lesbian off my tongue. I usually opt for a descriptive way while coming out than having to actually use the L word.

I’m not sure when I will feel comfortable to definitely say I’m not doing well. I don’t want to use the word depressed but I do have been wondering whether I might fit that definition and let me tell you, I may be. But that scares me because I’ve always felt a big enough person to deal with my stuff on my own. I want to still be that person. I’m giving myself until Christmas break. Until I get more than two days of unwinding, hoping it will fix me.

I’ve been running after various crushes this year, knowing they aren’t the real deal but still feeling like it’s more important to have one of those than to be completely without one. I don’t want to be placing such huge expectations on a social construct I had no interest in while growing up but apparently it’s what I’m doing. And maybe, trying to deny myself that is not helpful at all. Maybe I just need to embrace it because it’s okay to feel alone even if I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s okay to want a significant other even if I can live without one. I need to give myself permission to be needy sometimes even if it makes me feel weak. Admitting that you’re having a problem isn’t always a bad thing. I’m not completely sure yet what I will do; what I should do aside from dumping all my feelings on here.

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