A long time ago a boy I was good friends with at the time told me he loved me. I didn’t reciprocate those feelings and he seemed okay with it but also, I felt hella weird around him from that day on and our ways drifted farther apart ever since. I’m not sure why I felt so weird around him and I also don’t have a better word than weird to even describe it.
It was probably a multitude of reasons; (a) I didn’t want to hurt him but I couldn’t help not liking him back, (b) the hypothetical attention of boys was alright with me during my time at school but when it got real I went into flight mode because I was a self-closeted lesbian and (c) I was probably overthinking all of it like I’m prone to do. These are just the first reasons that come to mind, I’m sure there are even more but this will have to do for now as I think they’re the most pressing matters for now.
I started distancing myself from him; I thought I was helping him but I was just taking myself out of the equation and I’ve been doing so ever since. Liking someone, for me, usually doesn’t happen with just one glance at a person. It’s a lot of different things you just can’t grasp in the short amount of time seeing someone for the first time offers. I’m not opposed to the idea of love at first sight but I don’t think it’s the rule and more the exception for me. All of the above means I usually crush on a friend. Someone I’ve known for more than a short encounter. (Not always but usually.) Friends come with their whole social circle, and most of the time, I’m also friends with their friends so it gets hella complicated. Too complicated in fact and I’m simply too afraid to act.
Again, multitude of reasons; (a) I usually don’t consider myself good enough or dateable enough to actually have a chance with said person, (b) I’m more often than not not aware of their sexual orientation and (c) I’m scared that I won’t just lose one person from my social circle but a whole sub-circle of friends. I expect other people to react as terribly as I reacted all those years ago.
So I just stalk my way through her Facebook pictures every once in a while. I try to bury any interest I have in her because I know, she has never encouraged me to think of us as anything more than just friends. And yet here I am, three years later, being still not completely done with it in my head because every time I vaguely hint about any of this to bestfriendboy he just tells me that sexual orientation is just one part of it all. If the person you’re interested in really likes you they can decide to look past that. Of course this assumes a certain kind of openness towards the whole idea in general. I really loved bestfriendboy for this because I wasn’t expecting it from him. Add the conversation I had with a bi-friend a couple of weeks ago. She asked me for girl advice and I was obviously no help but I told her about my situation and she suggested to just ask her out for coffee or something like that. I shut the idea down immediately because I expect the worst. I expect version (c) in which I lose that entire sub-circle of friends because she would think me gross for even suggesting such a thing and would go discuss it with all her other friends, making me the butt of a joke. Maybe that Buzzfeed quiz was right after all and I lack a certain emotional maturity.
What I would love to do is run a fully scientific computer simulation of this situation giving me enough data so I can make an informed decision about this. But of course that’s not an option. Almost 700 words later and I’m still not any smarter but at least I got it out, for once in an almost cohesive post. I’ve been afraid to put it all together until now, maybe I didn’t have all the parts yet in my head but I do now. Maybe I can move forward now. I want to be able to ask someone out without being that afraid. I know a little bit of fear will always be there and that’s okay but this is not healthy. None of this is because I’m closeting part of myself.