empty

I’ve started writing plenty of blog posts over the last couple of months and hardly any of them saw the light of day or even got finished. I feel like I have nothing to say. Like I’m empty and unimportant.

I can’t explain where all this is coming from but it’s been here for months and I wish I knew what it was because then I could tackle it. Instead, I’ve been sleeping a lot because being not awake seems easier and at least that offers the potential of dreams. And even when I was awake, I was losing myself in fiction because, again, that’s easier than being lonely and upset without knowing why you’re upset.

So, here I am, trying to write again. Write more. Even if it’s silly things like this post because I know I need writing to keep my head right. The fact that I haven’t written much is a testament to how I am/was feeling.

Mostly, it’s like nothing is inside of me even though I didn’t lose anything recently. Life has pretty much been the same. It’s been busy in the way summer always is with theatre but that should have been a good thing. I try to keep my  craving for human affection at bay (even though I’m this close to singing up on a dating website again, no that it will do me any good) because I’m wanting it for all the wrong reasons. I’ve lived without a significant other for so long, of course I can continue. I may not want it but that’s not what matters.

Every time I think I beat the cycle of just craving dates and a girlfriend, some little thing sets me off again and I end up right where I started. Like today.

I want to try something for my upcoming birthday month and that is create a list of things to do; things bordering on my comfort zone just to give myself something to do. Yes, I recently read “Since You’ve Been Gone” in which Emily gets lists from her manic pixie dream girl best friend and I loved the idea. Only, I don’t have someone to write it for me so I’m trying to come up with one myself. Suggestions are welcome (but since I feel like nobody reads this anyway, what good does this call to action do?!).

I don’t have anything to tell, or that’s how I feel at least. I want to do NaNoWriMo but I also don’t have an idea for a story. I know I want to write in German, even though I keep going back and forth on that. It just seems that I don’t write enough in German anymore outside of work stuff and I want to see how that would work out for me.

You ar all caught up now. Not on my recent travel to the US or anything significant but I feel  a teensy tiny bit better. Let’s hope I remember this writing therapy.

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  • cupitonians

    #30 – Visit Bangkok :D

    • :-) I’ve been away too much this year already. I’m actually looking forward to 2 weeks off around Christmas and not going anywhere except the inevetible family stuff.
      How long will you remain in Bangkok or is this not clear yet?