nothing to say

I have nothing to say; nothing of sustenance anyway. I thought I’d have all the things to write about during vacation and while the creative atmosphere of spending 8 days with professional classical musicians was very stimulating, I ended up not writing anything. I came home and I still don’t know what to write.

It’s not so much that I don’t know what to write but how to write it, I guess. I’m trying to overcome a specific frame of thinking because it’s taking over too much space in my head; it has for a long time and it needs to go.

I tried making a bullet point list of who I want to be; which qualities I value and what I really want out of life. The point is, this only gets me so far. I can have all the ambitious plans for how I’m living my life, how to kick that dull ache for a special someone from my heart but it’s not like I haven’t been here before and lost. I can go months without feeling it but then one day it hits me again and I don’t know how to let go.

Maybe it’s a good thing though. Maybe it’s okay to long for something even if it’s rather stupid.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting it but I’m afraid I do it for all the wrong reasons and herein lies my problem. I need to work that out but I don’t really know how. It doesn’t help that this year’s warm summer makes me lethargic. I sleep and yet I still feel like I haven’t rested at all when I get up in the morning. Two hours after I got up and I still haven’t shaken the tiredness from my brain; everything is a little bit foggy up there not quite clear which is why I’m even writing this in the first place.

I’m always afraid of making other people uncomfortable. With everything but especially when I come upon an interesting woman whose sexual orientation I can’t immediately pinpoint. Men hit on women all the time and it’s okay, it’s socially accepted but in a way I think that I, as a woman, need to be better. I don’t want to do something to other people I, myself, am uncomfortable with.

Pair my people pleasing nature with the fact that I’m rather shy and not good at smalltalk. I’m just not. I feel weird talking about myself, what I did over the last couple of days etc because I feel like it’s not important and other people find me boring. (Shocking, I know, considering I spend most of my time on here talking about myself.) While I like to be the centre of attention, I also don’t. I feel like, unless I have a way of making people laugh, my contribution isn’t worthy. Because I think that I am not worthy which is dumb but something I haven’t managed to kick away just yet.

Sometimes I worry that I don’t possess the ability to love and/or to show it. I met a woman in Norway and she has these big gestures in her body language. She’s not afraid to throw her arms around a person who needs it and yes, I said afraid because that’s what I feel like. Because surely, if I did that, I’d be bound to make the recipient uncomfortable right?! Probably not but my brain doesn’t work like that.

Mom always worked and throughout my childhood and early teenage years, she had the misfortune of having to deal with my only sometimes verbally (and even rarer physically) abusive father. I perfected the brave and pleasant kid routine. I didn’t want to make her life more difficult by having to worry about me, by troubling her. I never asked for anything. At least I tried not to. I feel like I constantly held so much of myself at bay that I cannot shake it. Not even now. It’s ingrained in myself like brainwashing. I did it to myself which is the worst of it.

I feel like, if I’m not a fully self-sufficient person, I have failed my family and myself. I shouldn’t be dependant on anyone because even the best of people have a way of disappearing from your life. It’s better to not get fully attached at all. It’s why I keep referring to my heart as tiny because even if I’m hoping, deep down, that I have a big heart and will one day be able to show it, understating is always my way to go because it also could be true. Maybe I cannot love.

All of this makes only partial sense to me because I feel like I’m constantly only scratching the surface of all my issues. And I wonder what of it is because of early development conditioning and what is just me. And does it even matter where my issues come from? Is my shyness better if it’s just part of my personality instead of stemming from retracting myself inside because of the above mentioned reasons? I don’t have answers at this point in time. But I’ll keep digging. Apparently 2015 is the year everything comes bubbling up inside me. Probably because I don’t have other things to worry about and I can finally take care of myself instead of worrying about my loved ones.

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