another brick in the wall

I still dream of her sometimes. It’s been almost three years and the nightmares in which she is alive again and I have to take care of her still resurface. Not as often as they used to but that doesn’t negate the fact that they still do. As always I wonder if that will ever stop and what brings them on.

Sometimes reading romance novels has lead me to dream about assassins and murder. I know the telltale signs of being stressed out because then I dream of chasing scenes in slow motion with people trying to kill me. I understand the slow-motion. I don’t get the killing part; people shooting at me.

I went dancing Saturday night. It was a spontaneous thing but it made me extremely happy to be asked by my friend and then to have such a good time. It’s great to being able to be myself. And by that I mean to be out. She knows I’m gay and even though I have no idea if she had told her other friend before or not but it was no problem. I didn’t have to come out to anyone but instead we chatted about the lack of pretty women at the place and about my lake of a ‘type’. It felt good; right.

I can’t help but feel happiest when dancing while having my eyes closed. Then I don’t have to look anywhere and I can pretend the people don’t judge me for my dancing, not that I care much if they do. It’s just easier. I’m always a bit afraid to leave my gaze linger anywhere for too long and make someone uncomfortable. To make the wrong move.

There’s this thing I want to get out of my system, one I fear is holding me back but all the ways my head keeps imagining them are not available. It’s like when you look up a certain show or movie on Netflix and they show you all the stuff you don’t want instead, because it’s not in their catalogue.

I can’t just do the thing, I guess I passed that somewhere along the way to becoming a 20-something. It’s just odd now even though I try to tell myself that it’s okay but I can only be persuasive so much and sometimes it isn’t enough. I’m being evasive on purpose because I don’t have to spill everything on the internet or so I keep telling myself but a part of it is also shame. I mean, I am here writing about in nondescript terms so go figure.

I have experiences up my sleeve that people my age shouldn’t have where as I don’t have those my age dictates me having. This shouldn’t bother me as much as it does but I can’t help it.

A guy tried to dance with me and while he already danced with my two friends and it would have been okay, I didn’t want to. For as much as I crave certain things, when I have them right in front of me I can’t go through. Especially not when it comes to strangers. I’m neither trusting nor open. I’m okay with people I know but not so much with others and there lies the problem I guess because my options are limited and ugh, this makes no sense.

Instead I felt like putting up another wall. I’m always guarded even though I don’t know what bad thing is supposed to come out of dancing. Obviously the dancing is just one example of many but it’s what brought this thinking on.

One of my problems has always been wanting something until I had it right under my nose. It’s supposed to be a very female thing but I don’t think so. I guess it’s more a human thing but it’s only talked about in regards to us females as so many things are. Instead of grabbing a chance I just retract more fully into myself, putting my guards up. Even when there is nothing to lose. Whereas in other situations I spill my guts without a second thought. There is no balance for me.

This has been a very odd post. It starts with one thing and delves into something else entirely without me saying or concluding anything. It’ll just sit here and be the odd one out. Although it’s far from the only post of this sort. I kind of hoped that through writing this, I would get a better sense, would have my thoughts neatly arranged but this time, it isn’t going my way so much. Oh well, until next time.



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