Disney (Wednes)Day: Teacher’s Pet

The year 2004 in Disney history kicks off with another theatrical adaption of one of their cartoon shows, Teacher’s Pet. Now, I didn’t know this movie nor the show so I’m at an utter loss here. At least the last cartoon adaptions they had were pleasantly good surprises in my opinion so let’s start with the movie.

It opens with a star thing over a city, then in a room, a blue fairy appears. This is a recall to Pinocchio and this is confirmed as a scene of Pinocchio plays out on screen. But as it turns out, some kid of blue creature is watching this on its TV. It’s a dog and he wishes he were a real boy. As this is fiction, wishes ca come true, the blue fairy comes through the TV screen to give him instructions. Then she hurts him but he wakes up because a green bird is hitting him with something. Sigh, it all was a dream.

The green bird is not alone, he also has a cat in tow. It seems though the bird has anger management issues, which is a thing I’m not good with dealing with on TV because these characters are annoying and yell too much for my liking. The bird rants about something I don’t remember. Then the cat chimes in until a kid comes into the room because they have to go to school. Um, is it take your pet to school day?

Blue dog, who’s name is Spot, gets dressed in somewhat of a hurry and leaves the house. Obviously we have to start a song by now because this is Disney and the movie doesn’t have any other redeeming parts (possibly). Spot sings about a dog dressed as a boy and I don’t pay much attention until the song is over and the arrive at school.

Spot is awarded a perfect attendance medal on this last day of school. Also, there is a weird relation between Spot, the boy and the teacher who is overly emotional about the end of school year. I’m pretty sure my teachers were always as happy about it being time for summer vacation as I was.

Anyway, the kids start talking about what they will be doing over summer and I wasn’t very interested int his since I didn’t know any of the kids.

The principal and his cat, which can’t tell there is a dog dressed as a boy in the room, give some speech about the teacher being teacher of the year. Okay, whatever you tell me, movie. This involves a trip to Florida for some Hunger Games-esque battle over who is the best of the best. Shut up, that’s what I heard! But since the Principal doesn’t like dogs, they aren’t allowed on the trip which sounds dumb to me because he won’t be going with them, will he? I don’t understand this bit.

Next up, another musical number, this time to boy has to sing it and also, the teacher is his mother? How does she not recognise her blue dog is dressing up like a boy and is in her class? Sorry but this is bullshit I am too old for even giving a try to believing in. Sue me!

Spot is once more in front of the TV, watching another anger management person raging on TV. Apparently their guest today is some crazy guy who can turn animals into humans. Who knew there was a market for this sort of thing? Only in cartoons I guess. Of course Spot is highly interested in this even though it’s probably bullshit.

Then the pet sitter comes in, wanting to change the station but because Spot has to see the end of it, he hides the remote and the old lady has to return to the kitchen or something. Obviously, the whacko doc is in Florida and who is currently on their way to Florida? The boy and his teacher mother. (I, on the other hand would meet up blogger friends in Florida but that’s just me and also I’m not a character in a cartoon turned movie.) With this, Spot sings his way out of the door.

Boy and mother are on their rotary, singing some, playing some roadtrip games when suddenly Spot catches up on them. Of fucking course a dog can catch up with an engine powered vehicle. THIS IS BULLSHIT! In order to stay with them and go to Florida, Spot has to transform into Scott, his little boy alter ego.

That’s not enough for the mother though, she has to speak with Scott’s mother and also a bunch of his relatives because they are supposed to all be on the road with Scott. So Scott changes costumes quickly and in the end gets to travel with them.

Oh, the road trip singing doesn’t happen until now, whatever. You get the drift, there’s a whole bunch of singing going on here.

Once they get to Florida, the mother is quickly off and away on her Hunger Games thing. It’s apparent, the little boy is not totally cool with Spot becoming a human being because he misses his friend the dog as well. He still cares enough to go through with it though and help him.

Cut to the bird and cat at home who watch another rendition of the whacko on TV, this time he is accused of actually being a fraud and torturing animals or something. I mean, duh but move on. So now the two need to go to Florida to tell Spot.

In Florida, Spot and the boy are looking for the doc.

Back at home, bird and cat replace themselves with other animals that are not really anywhere close to looking like them but the pet sitter is pretty bling anyway. Ugh, I don’t like this movie.

In Florida, the guys find the doc by a terribly dirty river. You must be really desperate to go into that place if you ask me.

Inside, the doc has problems, tow of his more or less successful transitions are about, one crocodile and a fly. He calls them failures and they seem pretty dumb.

Scott and boy walk in and the dog tries to tell the doc that he is always failing because he is experimenting on lesser life forms and needs a mammal. Then it’s time for the doctor to sing his song and Spot/Scott gets transformed.

After the oral, the doc screams “it’s alive” I mean, come on, it’s not like Spot wan’t alive to begin with. This is not like raising someone from the dead!

It worked, sort of, because Spot is now a fully grown man. Uh, oh, this happens when you don’t consider the dog years to human years transformation.

Scott thinks he is free now and can do whatever he wants but the doc wants him for promotion and stuff, travel through the country as his success story, you know. Scotts doesn’t want to but in the end, he and the boy get trapped in the lab until their school friend walks in because he is spending the summer with his uncle.

Ian, the school friend, lets them out which the doc isn’t happy about. So he sends his failures after Scott to find them. I’m sure this will work marvellously.

Of course, Scott now needs money to buy proper clothes so how do they procure any of that? Find a lost dog by conveniently using the howling dog network. Of course this works and they get even more money than they thought they would.

The real trouble begins though when they return to the trailer and Boy!Scott is gone but Man!Scott is there instead. They tell the mom something about the boy having to leave and Man!Scott being a teacher assisting in this. Because the mother is a woman, she obviously needs to be on the lookout for a man and Scott flirts with her until the go on a date together.

The boy is really not okay with his dog dating his mother, even more so when Man!Scott starts talking about wanting to be his father and such. I would have lost it long before that, to be honest. They get in a fight and Man!Scott leaves.

Cat and bird made it to Cuba, which is only slightly off from FL.

A sad Man!Scott is walking on the beach where he watches a guy playing with his dog…blah blah blah.

Instead of Scott, the failures find the boy and take him. Meanwhile Scott is alone in a motel where he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He hears his song being played outside about and has a flashbacks to his happy dog life with the boy.

The boy is at the whacko doc’s place where he is supposed to get turned into a pet. But fear not because Scott appears to save the boy. Only Scott absorbs all the radiation or whatever it is that turns dogs into people and back. It looks like he is dead but then isn’t. In fact, Scott is a dog again.

I don’t remember if there was anything that came after this scene so let’s call it the end.

Ugh, I didn’t enjoy this movie one bit. A lot of the voices were really shrill and annoying, especially the mothers. Maybe it’ because I wasn’t familiar with the show, though that has not stopped me from enjoying the movies of other adaptions before, but this was really dull. Apparently the movie was a box office bomb but a critical success and I cannot see why this is supposed to be critically acclaimed or anything.

I could try and come up with how the dog wanting to be a boy is like being born transgender and such but honestly, I would hate myself for it because that’s a terrible analogy in my opinion. I was bored thought most of the film and am happy I don’t have to revisit this any time, possibly ever.

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