I’ve had many ideas in my head since I decided I wanted to elaborate on this topic for the blog. (Mostly because I like how the title sounds, just go with it, okay?) It’s not like my coming out was done in silence, in fact, a big part of it happened on this blog. But I still like the idea of having a place to dump my thoughts on the process whenever I feel like it.
Coming out isn’t a one time thing, as a member of the LGBTQ community, you’re never done. Every time you meet new people, change jobs etc. you are faced with the same dilemma, whether to come out or not. It’s not only about personal gusto but also safety. Not every workplace is a safe environment to live out your personal truth. Not every family is welcoming and forgiving and I struggle with coming out on a regular basis. It has gotten better though because I have made an executive decision for myself to be as open about as I can. That’s still rather vague though but the best I can do at this point. And also, the more you do it, the easier it gets.
It took me the longest to have an open mind about homosexuality because I was hardly exposed to it as a kid. There were very few people in the media that I encountered and certainly no one in my real life. The German equivalents for gay and lesbian were used as insults and are still used as such and that was all Mini!Me knew. In fact, I still struggle with the German word ‘Lesbe’ because it’s ingrained in my head with a negative connotation, things like that are hard to shake.
Back then, I was afraid of being gay and I remember one day, writing in my diary that I hoped to the high heavens that I was not, in fact, a lesbian. I closed my eyes long enough till I was ready to face my own reality. In those 10 years since I started staring at my Jennifer Aniston poster as a teen, I had changed as well as the world around me. For the most part, it has become a more accepting place. Not that there isn’t still room of improvement, but as far as visibility goes, it has gotten better.
These days, I actually like that I’m gay because it’s subversive and maybe a bit punk if that’s what you can even call it. It’s bold and I’ve never been bold aside from vomiting feels over the internet which is not bold at all.
I also think this whole process has made me more compassionate and considerate of other people and minorities in general. I’m a pasty white, cis-gendered woman. I grew up pretty privileged and also a little bit racist. I have since become a more tolerating person though, which I blame partly on my own journey. (God, I hate referring to this as a journey but it’s the most fitting term I could think of. I sound like a self help book in a way. Oh, maybe that’s what this post is ultimately going to be.)
Any-seg-way, I wanted to write up a little bit more about my own personal coming out and maybe there will be more posts about this in the future. Probably, whenever I feel like it because this is my blog and y’all have to play by my rules.