Disney (Wednes)Day: Treasure Planet

Treasure Planet is the last Disney movie of 2002 and oi, why are there so many movies each year? Anyway, I never even heard of the movie though the poster for it looks a little bit familiar. I did read Treasure Island a couple of years ago though on a cruise and really liked the book. Also, it’s the kid’s play at theatre next year.

The film starts with a voice over trying to set the universe by using weird names and all it did was get WTF thoughts from me. At least we see a ship floating through the air like it’s water. But it’s only a story a little boy is reading.

Instead of making the boy put the book down, his mother goes to cozy up with him in bed and they continue reading so we cut back to the story inside the story.

There is a treasure still hidden somewhere in the back of the universe on Treasure Planet. Tadaaaa, they said the title. There are some cute mother and son moments wherein the little boy insists Treasure Planet is real and she calls it just a story. After she leaves him to sleep, he gets up again to read some more.

12 years (a slave) (sorry terrible pun is terrible) later, the young but grown boy is floating through the air on what looks like a skateboard in a scene that’s very reminiscent of Star Wars, Episode 1.

At an inn with lots of weird looking creatures, his mother is working. I guess they’re the owners of the establishment and the woman doesn’t look like she aged one bit in the last 12 years, okay. We get some more gibberish talk about this universe that I don’t care for and also don’t understand. The boy’s mother spends a good part of this scene chatting with a guy who looks a lot like Clem from Buffy.

The boy is returned home by two police droids because this is the future. Let’s all remember this! After this unfortunate scene in front of the whole inn, the mother talks to the family friend from before that Jim ha been acting up since his father left and he is such a smart boy and all the other usual stuff TV parents say about their kids when they are in trouble.

A space ship crashes close to the inn and Jim goes to investigate. He finds an old guy who looks like he just emerged from the books he read as a child. He is also carrying a small crate for whatever reason. Jim brings him into the inn. He talks weirdly and I’m not sure I did get all of what he said. He opens the crate and hands Jim something wrapped in cloth, tells him to “beware the cyborg” and then passes out, presumably dead. Just then, space ships come to the inn and shoot at it. Jim, his mother and the family friend escape before the place is burned down.

At the family friends place, who’s name os Dilbert, Jim unwraps the present and reveals a sphere. Dilbert is confused as to what to do with it despite having a PhD. Meanwhile our little Padawan manages to untangle the round Rubik’s Cube without problem to reveal a map to, can you guess it? Treasure Planet! And a 150 gummy points to you!

 

 

I take this moment to try and figure out why Jim’s mom looks so familiar. I’m inclined to say she looks awfully like Anastasia from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Moving on.

Dilbert immediately suggest they go treasure hunting together because it’s every person’s dream, I assume. Cue some power up music and visuals of the here and now as well as Jim remembering stuff from his childhood as Dilbert declare they will be able to leave soon.

This should come as a surprise to no one, but Dilbert is a giant dork, dressed in a kind of old time-y wetsuit. They are looking for their ship and holy Dickens it is fancy. Obviously the Captain is a cool woman character because that’s what this movie was desperately lacking so far.

As Jim or Dilbert, I don’t remember which, starts to blabber about a treasure she immediately shushes them and takes them to her room where she takes the sphere from Jim. Um, okay, I’m not sure about this but whatever. Also, his name is Jim Hawkins and heyo taking Treasure Island names! Good for you, movie.

They are meeting Mr. Silver down in the cooking area. I guess, calling him Long John Silver was too much for Disney though that name has always amused me to no end because I am 12 years old. Silver is a cyborg and Jim is immediately suspicious of him. Jim is to stay with Silver and you can tell how both of them are not really happy with this decision.

Jim tries to sneak some information from Silver but either the man is so good at not reacting or he really doesn’t know anything.

Then she ship leaves the harbour and everyone is happy. So exciting, you guys!

The Captain and Silver talk and because they both have accents, thug Silver’s the worst, I have no idea what they were saying. This actually doesn’t happen often to me these days, at least not in the media that I don’t understand what people are saying, but okay. It ends with Jim having to clean the decks though.

There is a commotion with Jim and the other people on the ship and I have stopped caring at this point because I’m bored. I don’t remember Treasure Island spending that much time getting there. Anyway, Long John Silver *chuckles* gives Jim lots of chores to do.

There is some music as Jim remembers his childhood and where he is now. The next thing I remember is there being a supernova which means shit’s about to hit the fan.

Jim is on life line duty and says he secured everyone. The spider like creature clips of the second in command so he gets off falling into what looks like a black hole. But the ship also follows after him into the hole and I don’t know what is going on but they are all alive except that one dude. The Captain quickly mourns their loss and moves on.

Jim is feeling responsible since he was on life line duty but Silver is talking him up. See, he has a soft spot for young Jim.

Then there is a whole part I didn’t pay much attention to because BORING. Either way, Jim attacked Silver so he can run away. The Captain, Dilbert and Jim escape to the long boat that Silver and Jim took for a ride earlier in the movie. But Jim is having trouble keeping the map safe though they manage to escape from the ship.

The long boat crashes on a planet with weird plants and even weirder creatures. Jim realises he actually left the map on the ship and the Captain is injured. Jim goes to investigate the planet where he runs into a hug rooter without memory called Ben.

The Captain, Dilbert and Jim all take refuge in Ben’s home which isn’t safe for long as Silver finds them there demanding to speak to the weak and injured Captain. This means, Silver isn’t aware the sphere is still on the ship so Jim goes to try and steal it with Ben. Also, Captain flirts with Dilbert and it is easily my favourite part of the entire movie because the rest is pretty bland in my opinion.

Back on the ship, Jim and Ben almost make it but as Ben plugs on of the ship’s wires out, he sets off an alarm and all hell breaks lose for them.

Silver captures Jim and the rest and demands the map but he can’t get it open he has Jim do it for him. They all follow the map to wherever it leads them which is not really anywhere. Jim is almost beheaded, well kinda, until he finds a hole in the ground where the sphere fist in and a portal opens. They can somehow switch between worlds and I don’t understand how any of this is working but maybe I’m not supposed to.

They all step through the portal and are suddenly on Treasure Planet. The pirates are all happy. Meanwhile Jim finds the skeleton of the old pirate who also conveniently has Ben’s lost memory in hand. Ben gets his memory back and immediately remembers that the dead guy wired the whole planet with booby traps. Why are they called booby traps, btw? Hit me in the comments.

The whole planet is going to hell, Silver manages to not let Jim die. This whole thing takes forever and again, I didn’t much care for any of it. They have a boat there to evacuate all that aren’t already dead and probably also take some treasure with them. Jim aims for another portal and they make it back home in one piece.

Silver hands Jim a handful of gold and gemstones to rebuild the inn. To me, this looks awfully little, after all that has happened to him but whatever. Jim is reunited with his mother and the inn is rebuild.

Cut to the Captain and Dilbert having had a couple of adorable babies while everyone celebrated at the inn. Then Jim comes back home and looks like Prince Charming or something, not sure what this is supposed to be.

The end.

I can’t even pinpoint what bored me so much with this movie. I tried to remember bits and pieces from the book but the also strayed away from it a good bit from what I can tell. I guess  a good part of my fading interest was also that the universe they introduced was not built properly for the audience, throwing names at us that didn’t mean anything and were also never explained not necessary. Then there were lots of conversations, mostly involving Silver that were mumbled so badly, I could hardly understand them.

Just in general, this movie didn’t cut it for me. The animation was flawless and the transition to the future/space could have been very interesting but they seemed to linger on boring parts of the story instead of owning up to the universe building and story. More plot would have been desirable.

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