experiences that shape us

I was talking to a friend about my latest dream in which I had to go back to high school because I never finished it. Dream!Me wasn’t a fan of it, not at all. So my friend noted, that albeit having to go back to school would suck, it would also be neat to be able to change things and it got me thinking.

Yes, I would love to go back and change a couple of things. Some I know definitely and some I would have to think about more but then again, I am who I am because of all of my experiences and a huge part of them happened or were obtained in school. With friends I made in school. I can’t really imagine not being this person that I am now. ¬†And just like that I’m giving myself an existential crisis that’s utterly pointless and unnecessary because I can’t go back to school and push myself into other directions.

I can’t undo Past!Me’s decisions.

All of this is a good thing because tampering with your own timeline is a stupid idea but also, this is about so much more than that and just thinking about it gets my neurological pathways in knots.

I try not to regret the things I do in my life but hindsight’s a bitch and you do see things differently with certain distance from the event but also with your experiences but then again, tempering with the experiences would ultimately make them go away and I’m not sure I’m even capable of thinking this through without making diagrams to make sure I have my thinking straight.

I learned to draw time bars in maths.

Physics taught me about relativity theory and also atoms, electrons, protons, neutrons, quarks and everything else that makes us up on a scientific level.

I’m not a philosopher or soft skills girl; I’m maths and physics, the sciences of empirical data; of trial and error.

And the thing is, I’m not 100% the experiences that shape me. I’m also nature, meaning there are traits and details I was born with. I’m not just experiences and decisions, I’m also DNA.

However, my source code has shaped the experiences I had. Maybe my life would have been different had I been born blonde, or straight, shorter, taller, with a real physical disability.

The thing is, I’m not completely sure what parts of this person I am now I am because of nature and which are because of nurture. Do I really carry the addiction gene? Is there even such a thing that makes me more prone to a codependent life with alcohol or drugs, maybe even gambling? Or is the nurture part of having grown up with an alcoholic father dominant here?

Maybe I’m too tired to figure this out tonight; maybe I will never figure this out. The scientist in me wants ratios, how much of myself is made up of DNA how much is experiences. Not that I would know what to do with the information but I just want to know because I want to know everything.

And so I’m still wondering, or even more so after having given it more thought in order to write this post (which was more complicated than I anticipated and I also had given up halfway through it until brushing my teeth had gotten my grey matter going again), what would actually change if I got to tamper with my past.

Would it be huge?


Maybe my true self is a carpet or a washing machine. Probably a washing machine because of the moving in circles part.

It does drive me nuts that I will never get a definite answer to this question because (a) I can’t go back to test this out and (b) there is just now way of figuring this out. No way. I can gather opinions on this, but in the end, it will all be speculation. And I hate the uncertainty of it.

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