The last of the Disney animated theatrical releases of 2000 is The Emperor’s New Groove. Now I expected this to be The Emperor’s New Clothes but somehow, it didn’t really fit once I actually started watching this. Also, I have hardly heard of this movie. So let’s get started with it.
The movie opens in a jungle where a llama sits in the pouring rain. A voice over voice overs that this once was the Emperor and also that the narrator is the Emperor who is the llama. Just go with it.
Then we get a montage of the Emperor just being himself while the first song is playing. This all is to explain how he ended up as a llama (why do I want to write goat all the time?) alone in the jungle/forest in the pouring rain. My first instinct was to say this is Egypt but Wikipedia informs me it’s Inca land so there is that.
Empi, while singing and galavanting around, bumps into an old person whom he instructs to be thrown off the tower because he threw him off his groove and I want to punch that idiot in the face. What a spoiled brat!
It’s time to choose a bride so he gets in front of the shortlist, dismissing them all. I mean, obviously the guy is as much of a flamboyant homosexual being as can be without ever coming flat out and saying it so it’s no shock he doesn’t want to marry any of those fine women.
Next up, we meet Yzma, Empi’s advisor who is sooo-ho-hoooo old and not looking very good. At least she has a very young minion lover boy who is, unfortunately, as dumb as can be. So Dino Lady is after Empi’s throne because obviously.
Empi comes into the room where Dino Lady is on his throne. He has invited a farmer from some place for inquiries or something. Who even knows. I’m not more than a couple minutes into this movie and I already don’t give a fuck anymore. He produces a model of the hill Peasant Farmer lives on, asking where the sun shines on the most because he wants to build his new sum me rhone up there, kicking PF off. What a monumental asshole.
Meanwhile the Dino Lady is throwing a temper tantrum. She wants Empi gone so she can be resident evil over this land. Excuse me while I move my stuff to Nopeville real quick. She comes up with a poison for Empi’s food because that’s what one does in such situations. If I learned anything from all those crime novels I devoured as a kid, it is that women are far more likely to kill with poison than a weapon. Moving on.
Fortunately, unfortunately (????), Minion Lover Boy is too much of an idiot to get the poison rightly delivered and Empi turns into a llama. He is ordered to dispose of the llama so he throws them in the river but then his shoulder angels appear to have a discussion if Minion Lover Boy can just let Empi die like that so he grabs the bundle from the river. Somehow he ends up on the market and I did no pay enough attention to know what happens. Ahem.
Cut to Peasant Farmer reuniting with his cute and adorable family. Only, he was on the same market as the llama and ended up taking it with him so there is a lot of confusion where Empi first has to even find out that he looks like a donkey now. Ugh.
There is some dumb stuff about now building his summer home there anymore and Peasant Farmer agrees to take him into the city. PF doesn’t think so though, which is why Empi gallops off by himself.
In the jungle he gets chased by panthers. But fear not, because Peasant Farmer to the rescue!
Empi is still such an inconsiderate ass, holding onto his summer house plans, PF clearly is a bigger person than I am. Somehow he manages to talk enough shit that PF will still help him until PF crashes through a bride. Empi feels superior until he also crashes through and they have to rely upon each other. In the crucial moment, Empi chooses to safe PF’s life so there is that.
Dino Lady and Minion Lover Boy are on Empi’s trail. MLB is a soft hearted idiot; he talks to a squirrel which mentions the llama it encountered earlier so they ask for directions.
Empi has somehow managed to convince PF to carry him. Low blood sugar my ass.
They end up at a meat hut for food. Empi is dressed up as a woman, well, as much as possible while being a llama. Dino Lady and Minion Lover Boy are also at the same meat hut because of contrivance reasons. Empi and Dino Lady both go complaining to the chef and eventually manage to find out they are both in the same restaurant. Because Empi is an idiot, he thinks he can just ask Dino Lady if they will take him back into the city. HOW SELF ABSORBED ARE YOU?
And this is how he ended up alone in the rain in the jungle and we are caught up to the very first scene.
Dino Lady and MLB make their way to Peasant Farmer’s family home but bios wife and children are great and they lock the idiots up.
My notes don’t say anything anymore until the are all back at the palace because I have lost all my ability to care about this plot. At the palace, there is fighting, more people turn into all sorts of animals and Empi is after the antidote. But Dino Lady is as well because she got turned into a cat.
Empi has to decide between saving PF or getting the antidote, he chooses PF. But fear not, because he also gets the antidote and successfully turns back into himself. Only now he is all good (ugh) because he has learned to not be so selfish anymore. Something like that. He even apologises to the old guy from the beginning.
In the end, Peasant Farmer and Empi live happily next to each other and all is well.
I understand what the movie was trying to show, that we an change and actually become nice people but the way it was done was terrible in my opinion. The “jokes” were not funny, I didn’t like the main character as well as the style of the narration. It was an all in all fail for me. I can’t understand how people see this movie as one of the best Disney productions post Renaissance. Just how? I did like Peasant Farmer and his family but not enough so they could counteract all the rest of the movie.