I can’t believe year two is over now. The past 12 months flew by so fast, I guess that’s what happens when you’re finally a contributing member of society with a steady job and an income.
I just re-read last year’s post and nearly cried again. The only thing that stopped me was being in public. Not sure why I keep doing this to myself; reading things I know will push me over the edge when I know I can’t give in to those feelings at the time. But here I am.
The past year has been so much easier for me, but I guess that comes from having a more steady environment. Most of the uncertainties settled down. Not all of them of course, and Grandma had a rough year.
I hardly cry anymore which I count as a good sign. The beginning of the month was difficult and I had to resort to some rage singing because that’s what I do. There have been things beyond my control and some in my control that played with my already emotional self those days. Being tired didn’t help one bit. Counting in today because I know this will be a hard one but then again, I know I will be alright because I know what hitting rock bottom feels like. Just knowing that I’ll be fine is comforting. In the end, today wasn’t actually bad, I was too busy to feel sorry for myself but I had all week to prepare myself for this day.
And because September is such a controversial month for me, I made a video about it because it felt appropriate and it was a beautiful day on which I had just recovered from the previous day’s emotional exhaustion.
Obviously I still miss you but it’s gotten a lot less vibrant. My grief has setteled down into grey tones instead of being overflowing vibrant colours. Still, you left in hole inside of me that will never be able to fully grow in.
As always, I miss you, I’m strong!