I wonder how long I will take these memories with me everywhere I go. Will they always be triggered by the same things or will these moments disappear over time so they won’t make me feel like I’m choking up?
Today I had to give way for an ambulance driving to the hospital and every time I see one of those with their flashing lights and sirens passing me on the street, I get the feeling I had two years ago when it was my Mom being rushed to the emergency room with me following them as my Grandma was riding shotgun in the ambulance. It’s almost as if no time has passed. I mean, it sure has. I’m not as screwed up as I was that evening but it left a definite mark on my soul.
I felt utterly helpless and uncertain of what was to come. Despair was like a stalker at that time; I felt it constantly. So I spent my weekend mostly waking by her hospital bed while studying for my upcoming exams when she was sleeping. Life always goes on, no matter what happens, and my exams couldn’t wait. They were the last ones I was taking so they needed to go well.
I remember texting bestfriendboy while I was waiting to be told to what room Mom was being brought to after she arrived. He was having a concert at that time but he did his best to hold my hand virtually until I got more information. He made sure I didn’t have to go home to an empty house, or spend that evening drowning in my own sorrows. We watched FRIENDS and talked because by now, we have seen every episode so many times, I can recite them in English and German simultaneously and it doesn’t matter if we talk or watch the show.
Maybe it’s because I’m dead tired right now that these memories come up and I can’t push them down like I usually do. There is something about being tired, it cracks your armour; the one you safely put around those soft spots of your heart. They just come up at the most unfortunate of times and I know that if I don’t deal with them right away, they will only get worse.
I am not mad at her anymore. Not for the most part. I’m simply haunted by memories. Shadows lurking in the dark corners of my subconscious. This post doesn’t make a lot of sense. It will not go down in this blogs history as one of the great ones but who cares. This is my struggle and today, I struggle. Thankfully, those days have gotten less and less frequent but they do still come up and I wonder if this is a thing I will feel until I die or if it will pass like the general grief which waves lessened in intensity and quantity over time. There is only one way to find out and that is just living it, one day at a time. On that note, I’m off to (hopefully) sleep and restock my armour energy.