I have always been good at making up scenarios in my head, of wishing for things to be different and imagining how my life could have been if a little thing had been different here or there. I know I wouldn’t be the same person I am today and I actually don’t want to be someone else. Not this time. What I wonder about though is my family.
It is so small and my heart dreams of this big family, where I have siblings and aunts and uncles with tons of cousins and we all get along fairly well instead of seeing each other every couple of months for less than a day. That we would be close and there was always someone to help you out or ask for advice. And yes, this does sound a lot like Parenthood, but this was a dream I had long before the show aired it’s pilot episode.
Sure I could ask my aunt and uncle for advice or help but how much can they really do for me, living at the other end of Germany, being the people that they are? There is no perfect family but the lonely single kid sometimes yearns for a big messy family where I am also not so in the spotlight. Where not everyone focusses so much on what I do and say because there are too many people to give this close attention to just one. (I’m looking at you, Grandma.)
In my imagination I had an older brother and a younger sibling as well. Maybe it even was an older sister, I could never really make up my mind about that. And of course my parents weren’t divorced or if they were, my Mom would have found someone again and not in the way she did but someone to live with her and make her truly happy instead of turning her into an affair on the side. Seeing her loved and happy and not spending all her time at work or in front of the TV would have been amazing and my heart aches because that is just a what if, not a reality. Of course she wouldn’t have died so young either if I had had any say in the matter.
My lovely Grandma would not have been lonely for over 20 years now if it were up to my imagination. She would have gotten to enjoy her retirement with Grandpa, taking care of us awkward grandkids and loving it. And my little heart aches knowing this is not what I got; what any of these people got and I miss the people gone too soon so much right now that I am blindsided by the emotion and it’s fierceness.
I have created many what if’s in my head also unrelated to the above one about how my own life will continue from this point in time or an earlier one onwards, it’s really not that important where I start. It always involves a big family but therein lies the problem. As much as I want to, I can’t see myself giving birth to the three kids that I want and it would probably also make a really old parent out of me by the time I’m finally done and that is just not the way my head and heart want it to be; imagined it to be when I first started to dream about this. And who is to say I even get the happily ever after? Judging from my family’s track record, I’m bound to be unhappy in some way or another.
Does it matter that I don’t want it? That I don’t want to be unhappy, that I want to be a good wife and mother? Because I am afraid of making the same mistakes my Mom did, marrying the wrong person just to spite my family and then never managing to turn it around in time. This is probably one of my truths that I tend to overlook and that make me the introvert/hermit that I am.
How can I trust someone enough to make sure they won’t trample all over my heart? Will I be ready to let go when the time comes and not ruin it because I’m afraid to get hurt? I always wonder how you know for sure.
This is all very hypothetical and stupid (but got a little bit more real at the end than I anticipated) because dreams can change and just because I can’t see it now, doesn’t mean it won’t happen close to the way I imagined it. This is not to say I am not happy the way it is right now but that something is missing, it always felt like I was missing something or missing out. And I know in my heart that it’s always better looking in from the outside than it actually is to be inside; it’s like the hair thing. You always want what you don’t have. Maybe that’s a more female problem, I’m not sure.
Whatever happens, happens. I guess that’s what I should live by for now and stop worrying so much even though that is really difficult for me to do. I can’t just mute my brain.
This is my 300th post. Yesterday I though I would be all: Hey, look, this is amazing and who would have thought I would have so much to say, yada yada yada. Today I woke up and all this feels vomiting happened and I think it’s pretty fitting for this blog and its 300th post because this constant struggle inside of me is what created this blog and I feel like I’m not doing this blog justice by dumping all my Disney and book posts on here lately.
If you’ve made it this far into the post, thank you!
Thank you for reading and hopefully commenting or even just lurking. The support I’ve gotten and the friends I’ve made throughout this time are amazing and I can’t even imagine myself without this little space on the interwebs.