For days I’ve been trying to think of fun memories we shared but I couldn’t remember any. I still can’t. It’s not that we haven’t had fun times with each other, it’s just that they were not in the way of: ‘Remember that one time we went to Disneyland and it was epic?’
I remember us going on vacation together a lot but you either fell, hurt yourself or got a cold somewhere during those which somehow dampened the whole experience. But of course I’m exaggerating. You’re the reason I traveled a lot while growing up, I went to Jerusalem and Beirut, saw the pyramids in Egypt and so many more places.
When I was writing my A-levels in high school I remember coming down one morning to finding this super encouraging note from you because naturally you had to leave for work well before me. That was such a difficult time for me, little did I know what was yet to come. You just let me complain all I wanted throughout all my studies because you knew, that’s how I manage in stress times. I complain but get through it in the end. God, I miss telling you about all the stuff that’s annoying me; talking to the stars is just not the same.
I loved the advent calendars you made for me when I was still a kid and even later when I was not so much a little kid anymore. That’s something I’ll probably always miss regardless of my age. Buying one is just not the same than going into the living room every morning to dig out one of the small wrapped candies from the calendar. When you were not looking, I took them out to try and figure out what was inside, I mean, it wasn’t that difficult to know. I just loved testing myself.
I have memories of reading to you when I was in primary school and had just learned to do so. Just writing this makes me cry because today would have been your 58th birthday if you were still here. I’ve prepared for this day for weeks and I’m glad to put it behind me for another year. There are just so many things you missed and will continue to miss out on, it breaks my insides.
I want to blame you for breaking a part of me that will never be able to be fully healed. I can’t help but wonder who I would be if you hadn’t gotten sick. Would I be any different?
However it has gotten easier to think of you lately, or talk about you. Same goes for Grandma, I guess. On sunday she told me, I’m way less maintenance heavy than you were and I can only agree. I may not have known you as a child but judging from grown-up you, I’m sure she’s right. Which in return doesn’t mean that we don’t love you. Just that you were not an easy person. The mixed feelings I’ve had, are still with me though to a far lesser extend.
When you dropped me off in Sweden, I remember crying so much because it was the first time I was supposed to live on my own and in a strange country as well! I cried and wondered how I could live without my mommy even though it was silly. Little did I know, that was just a test run for the real thing.
There’s nothing I can say today that I haven’t already expressed a million and one times on here. Last year’s motto still stands: I miss you. I’m strong.