There are at least three different tags dedicated to feelings on this blog and it will not come as a shock to most of you that I have and express a lot of feelings either on this blog or any other social media site I use. Maybe sometimes it’s a lot of hit and miss for me because I tend to share too much with other people. Many times I complain about feeling all the feels because they are sad and I don’t want to be having them.
That’s only have of it though because I also ravish having all the feels; I always have. Feeling feelings has always been the one thing that made me a person or reminded me that I am one. There are a lot of things I always thought were missing from my life – or what I imagined any well rounded person needed to be but the feels always managed to bring me back, to remind me that I am real and not just some two dimensional construct.
All of this sounds extremely convoluted to me and I’m trying to express the thought I just had while cleaning the floors because my brain can just never stop working. I realised it’s February now which made me remember a conversation I had with Mom about cleaning two years ago, which in return stabbed me right in the heart. It was a stupid conversation but even remembering that has the potential to bring me the sadz. February will be tough, I’m pretty sure of it. I can’t really take last year as a basis and maybe no year will actually be right to prepare me for her birthday month as her memory fades. She won’t ever be forgotten, far from it, but things do get better in time, that much is true. I guess this is just me saying, I’m sorry, internet, if I’m exceptionally moody or annoying in the days to come but you are my way of processing.
Descartes’ philosophy is based on the concept of doubting or thinking – he claims that’s what makes sure we are actually here and not some dream. My version of cogito ergo sum is: I feel, therefore I am. This may fit in very well with my INFJ persona and I may also have just completely lost my thought.
So yeah, the first half of February will be tough, I guess and here’s to hoping things will be get back to normal after Valentine’s Day.