Some days I feel extremely limited. Limited through the choices I made in life so far. I ask myself why I studied industrial engineering instead of all the other things that were out there? And the answer is very simple. Because I didn’t think for myself back then. I may have thought so but I did not do so fully. I listened to what my mother said. What her friends said but not enough to what was within me.
Sure, being an engineer is fine but I discovered too late in my studies that the industrial part was too blah and boring for me and I should have studied mechanical engineering instead. But then again, why limit myself to engineering?
All Mini!Me ever wanted to become was a private investigator. Where other girls wanted to become veterinarians or teachers and boys wanted to be firefighters, I wanted to solve crimes and mysteries. While I understand solving crimes is not as glamorous or neat in real life as it is in books, it was what I wanted to be. But I didn’t pay enough attention to myself. Instead I let other people tell me this would not be the right fit for me and went with it. I will never know if I would have made a good detective or hated it but I feel sad because I will never know.
When it was time for me to choose a degree I didn’t know what anthropology was but I do now and part of me really wants to study bones. I want to be able to hold a femur in my hand and be able to tell if it’s been dead for 5 or 20 years; if it belongs to a woman or a man. Skeletons have never freaked me out. In my ergonomics class the teacher once brought a plastic replica of a shoulder-arm system with muscles attached and that I could not look at. Tissue, muscles, nope, that’s really not my metier but bones I’m fine with. Bring on the skeletons.
I guess it is stupid to live in this what-if stage because it is. Things have happened and I can’t take anything back and there is not a lot I even want to take back. But sometimes I wonder if these things would have made a difference for me. There is so much stuff I will never know, even if I read all the books I will never be a physical anthropologist. I will never solve crimes. I will never…
I feel limited in my knowledge. I want to be able to talk about evolution like I just ingested an encyclopaedia, discuss literature with the brightest minds of my generation and so many things more. Sure, I don’t have to stay an engineer all my life, who knows where life will lead me but sometimes I just feel like I messed up on this huge life decision because I couldn’t be bothered to think about it for two seconds. I heard something that vaguely interested me and went with because it was so much easier than thinking and making a case of myself, which is stupid.
There are people who would argue that learning is a life-long process and they are right. I learn something new every day. But I won’t find myself structurally studying literature or anthropology anytime soon or ever because of time and effort. But also because I may be bright but I’m not that smart and I was actually happy to be done with my degree last year.
I guess part of me is making this too complicated a thing. I can’t be everything because despite how much I don’t want it to be true, I am limited; my time on this earth is limited and despite my wanting to make a difference I know I will hardly make one. Not globally at least. Maybe I make a difference in some people’s lives and really, that should be enough, right? I guess part of my problem is oftentimes that I aim way too high for what is realistic for me to achieve.
Simliar to what I said in my post on blogging idols though, we – -or at least I – need to aim high to know where I’m going. Without it, I will forever be wandering aimlessly through this life. So I guess realising my limitations is better than not having any goals at all.
I am as much a person of my choices, however misguided they may have been, and the nurturing forces I grew up with as I am of my DNA row which I am far from responsible for. And honestly I would’t want to not be me right now. Sure, trying on different lives may be fun for a brief amount of time but in the end, I always come back to myself. There is only so much wiggle room until I lose myself and what makes me uniquely me. Sometimes I just have to write these things down to be able to remind myself of them at a later point in time.