As this is the start of a new year people tend to make resolutions about things they want to do or ways they want to improve themselves. I have long given up on such notions because (a) I would forget about them too easily and (b) I can’t think of anything in particular. I write this on January 3rd and I have seen so many new resolutions spring into action from my internet friends I feel weird about not having any. Some started blogging, some just revived their old blogs or they started new projects altogether. And I sit here thinking to myself that maybe something is wrong – well maybe not wrong per se – but weird going on with me because I have no resolutions. (Yes, I am actually crazy like this, creating problems where there aren’t any to begin with. It’s called being a woman, or so I’ve heard.)
Sure, I could pledge to lose weight but I don’t care enough about those extra couple of pounds I have on me. I try doing my best but limiting or restricting food or certain food groups doesn’t work for me. Some days I just need to eat a bag of chips because I want to and that should and needs to be okay with me. So no dieting for me.
Obviously I blog so that’s not an option for me either. So far I’ve kept up with my own expectations for this place over the last couple of months which is great.
I could pledge to read more. When you take a look at the What I Read page on this blog you are probably getting into a laughing frenzy due to the small number of books I read in the past 2 years. The only resolution-y thing I have is reading more than last year. But I won’t be heartbroken if it doesn’t work out for me. And so far things aren’t looking that good for me as I am stuck in Sense & Sensibility, one of my 2013 leftovers. I’m so bored with it but need to finish because of reasons that only exist in my head.
What else is there to put into a resolution? *scratches head* I honestly can’t think of anything right now. Well, maybe I should finally come out to my family, ahem. However I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter that much to me. Sure I get an adrenaline rush whenever some similar topic arises because that’s just how I work and it could finally be THE moment I have been waiting for. I feel similar when I have to make a phone call to some place I never called before though so it doesn’t really count. I had braced myself for the question of wether I got a boyfriend over Christmas but there was none. Not sure if my extended family now adopted DADT when it comes to me or they simply stopped caring. Either way, I’m okay with it.
One big thing I crossed off my to do list happened yesterday. It involved a 15 minute pep talk because of pointless social anxiety and ended quite well actually. There’s a regular’s table of lesbian and bi women in my town and despite me having known about it for a year now, I never went there because I was too scared but I did yesterday and it was good. I put on my big girl pants and felt great about it. It is about damn time that I get into the game, whatever the game is.
There is nothing else that comes to mind. Nothing. It’s the rare moment where my head is silent, empty as I desperately try to think of something. This only happens in the worst of situations like exams or high pressure moments. Silence. Nothingness. The reason is probably because I am quite happy with where I am right now. Sure there are times I tend to disagree with this assumption but overall I have arrived in my life and t sits right with me. I (mostly) let go of some expectations I had that made me unhappy (it really is an ongoing process) and just enjoy who I am. Most days, the person who looks back at me when I look into the mirror is a person I love. So I decided I don’t really need new years resolutions.