I keep hearing myself think that this is the time I do miss you the most. But it’s a lie. There is no specific day or time I miss you more or less. There is a constant dull ache inside me, reminding me that you should be here but of course you are not. This is Christmas number 2 post death. Last year I was to preoccupied with my newfound freedom and the realisation hadn’t kicked in yet. That only came about 6 months in. Now I have arrived where I am supposed to be for now though and it’s a lonely place without you, let me tell you.
Do you know I got my first real job? It’s pretty awesome. When I got notice of it, all I wanted to do was call you to let you know so we could celebrate together. I wanted your praise for having done well. It was the same the day I got my final grade or when I picked up my university degree. Of course all I got was made up conversations in my head. I imagined what it would be to tell you but that’s just playing games. One sided games.
I miss you when I’m sad because you used to make me feel better and I miss you when I’m happy and excited because I can’t share that with you. I miss you.
I want to ask you what you think of me, if you are proud of the person I’ve become. I seek validation of my character; needing someone to tell me I’m good enough because sometimes the voices in my head aren’t enough. When I met with my godmother – your best friend – she kept telling me how well I’m managing my life. It’s awkward to take these compliments when you feel the need to be humble. Nobody likes a person who is full of themselves. truth be told, most days I don’t feel like I deserve a medal for going through life like I do because it’s nothing special at all. This doesn’t keep me from wanting your approval, your praise and kind words though.
I miss my biggest fan and cheerleader. Sure, I enjoy being my own person, not having to report where I’m going and what I’m doing but there’s more to that. There always is. It’s Christmas day and while it was a decent day, there was no present from you under my tree this year. But I guess I didn’t need one. You already gave me the biggest present anyone can give – the gift of life! I wouldn’t even be writing this if it weren’t for you. Nevertheless I keep on wishing for you to answer my questions. To remind me what a truly amazing person I am (or not) and that there still are great things ahead for me. I guess to some extend I will always stay your little kid. Looking up at you waiting for you explaining the world to me. Of course this is silly but I can’t help it. The only thing left for me to do is hope you and Grandpa are having a great time in heaven laughing about us mere mortals. I hope you found your peace.