I have talked about my sexual orientation quite a lot on this blog because, you know, it is my blog and my little way of working through the mess in my head. The thing is, I am not as open about being gay in real life as I am on the internet. I’m not hiding it either but there is no good way to come out in your mid-twenties as far as I know. Then again, coming out is never quite easy.
The thing is, I am just so fed up with all of this, I am not fully in the closet, my friends know, I am not actively hiding any of it, but I am also not making it public knowledge because I don’t exactly know how to. Basically there are two groups of people that do not know yet and I’m not sure how to address them. Number one is my family. My Grandma would be okay with it, I have never heard her make a homophobic comment in my life and she loves me so dearly that I can hardly do much wrong. But she is a worrier and she will one day worry herself to death, I am sure of that. She has worried all her life and only after having found a job, did I see how hard she took my unemployment and not knowing what came next. I don’t want to worry her, not unnecessarily.
And that’s the thing, I feel like there is no particular reason for me to come out, I don’t have a girlfriend or anything even close to that. So why bother with it, right? The answer, in fact, is quite simple after all. For me. This inbetweenness is constantly on my mind.
Should I do it now? What will be the consequences? How will people react? How should I do this?
These are just a few of the questions that run through my mind when I think of this subject.
As much as I believe my Grandma will be okay with it, I have no idea about my uncle and his family as I already feel judged by him for almost everything I do or better not do. But then again, I only see him a couple of weekends each year, and the phone conversations with him and his wife can only become slightly more awkward than they already are. I’m not sure about his reaction but you can never be. Even with Gran there is still this infinitesimal chance that she will be upset and that’s what’s keeping me inside this closet, only peaking out. And it sucks.
Group number two is all the theatre folks. Homosexuality is not uncommon in artsy circles and I am far from the first gay person there but the first woman as far as I know. Also, I have heard the way they talk, which they of course do in my presence due to their complete oblivion of my own sexual orientation. It’s a gossipy place, so only a few need to be told for it to make the rounds I guess. I can’t help but wonder how they would react. The far more interesting question is though, how will I tell?
This summer as I visited my friends in Sweden I, for the first time, answered the question of whether I have a boyfriend by saying that I’m not interested in boys and all was well. It felt only a little weird, mostly good and like I needed a pet on the back for saying it. It was no big: I have to tell you something, I AM GAY!!-Moment. If asked, I will always say the truth but I do not get asked this question anymore. Even my uncle stopped a while ago.
October 11th is coming out day and my plans involve the presence of Mini!Willie’s artwork on Facebook, that would, in the best possible outcome, take care of a LOT of people including theatre folks so that’s a plus. It will only be slightly weird as that’s also the day our weekend trip starts as far as I know.
I’ve also found an old photo of myself in fourth grade that I’m going to post on thursday with a caption of which I am not sure, everyone will get. I hope they do though. Gah, why do I always need to take the more difficult roads? I could just change my gender interest on FB from nothing (as it is now) to women but is that even a thing that pops up on the News Feed like a relationship status change?
With all the things I don’t know about this, as shown above, I know that I need to come out for myself. So that the space in my head that this thing is occupying at the moment, and it is a LOT of space, can be set free to do more useful things.
I am fed up with having to wonder what happens if this person or that person knows.
I am fed up with having this on my mind.
So if you have any wisdom to impart on me, feel free to leave it in the comments. Until then, I will proceed as described above, hope for the best and that it reaches enough of the people so that most of them know without me having to step on my soapbox in front of every individual and proclaim my homosexuality.