Normally I don’t post on Saturdays because experience has shown that most people don’t read these posts, however as today’s topic is tied to a specific date, I break my rule. This is also post number 200, just wow!
One year ago yesterday, I came back from my vacation in Canada, rushed to the hospice where you were in because Grandma had told me to do so even though I was beyond tired and in desperate need of a shower. As it turned out, it was the last time I saw you conscious even though you weren’t even fully conscious at the time, instead you were talking a lot of gibberish – a sign that the tumour had taken over the better part of your brain. Early the next morning the hospice nurse called me to let me know you wouldn’t last very long anymore. Grandma and me took shifts sitting with you – to keep myself somewhat busy I sang to you because I didn’t know what else to do aside from holding your hand – until sometime after 9pm when you passed away. I didn’t see you again, I let Grandma handle it and it’s something I don’t regret at all. I’ve seen you almost dead which is enough for me.
A lot has happened in the past 12 months, let me try to catch you up:
November – my first birthday without you. It actually wasn’t that bad, I had just started with working on my thesis and besfriendboy’s mom invited me for pizza that day. She is amazing like that.
December – First Christmas and New Year’s Eve without you. Grandma and I celebrated Christmas with the family at uncle’s place in the south. As far as holidays go in our family, it was quite decent but I was also happy to get back home again.
February – Your first birthday without you, I didn’t go to uni that day because I couldn’t; I wasn’t sure how I would react and feel that day, it wasn’t as bad though as I had thought it would be but as you can imagine, it wasn’t a walk on roses either.
March – Six months in I finally broke down, really broke down. I had to leave uni early because I couldn’t hold in my tears any longer. Sure, I had cried up until that point but I never missed you as much before. Suddenly the floodgates had opened and couldn’t be shut down again. Until I graduated from uni I was a mess, let me tell you.
May – I handed in my thesis at the end of the month after having barely slept through May and with more emotional breakdowns than ever before but I made it! You would have been so proud of me!
June – The day I got the grade for my thesis was so full of emotions that I cried the entire way back to the theatre because I was doing two plays that day. I cried of relief and sadness that the person I used to call first with such big news was not around anymore. I cried because suddenly this HUGE part of my life was over, I wasn’t a student anymore but had to figure out what came next. And for a while I had no idea what to do, I just kept floating around in everyday life, not doing much of anything. Oh, I almost forgot, I visited Sweden again, you remember B&L? Yes, I got to spend a weekend at their lake house and it was fantastic. Sometimes I get the feelings that I truly am one of the most blessed people.
July – I received my diploma and was then officially done with studying!!! HUZZAH!! I celebrated by getting my picture taken the first time ever for my job applications because I found the perfect job ad. I also wrote the first serious job applications of my life and it would have been really helpful to have you around and help me with it.
August – Remember the perfect job I told you about, just a few lines ago? They called and invited me for my very first job interview!!! I wish you had been here to talk me up and give me tips. I think I did alright but then again, how shall I know? I was quite nervous but the people seemed nice, not like these interview douches that make you do stupid math and ask you riddles.
September – I JUST SIGNED MY FIRST EMPLOYMENT CONTRACT!!!!! Remember that super awesome job I mentioned before? They liked me enough to hire me! I’m a damn safety engineer come November 1st! Also, today is the first anniversary of your death. It can only go uphill from here, right?!
So this is basically all you missed, albeit in a condensed form. Part of me cannot believe that it has been a year already, the other part thinks it was a freaking long twelve months of missing you. I still can’t pass by an ambulance that’s rushing someplace in an emergency without getting shivers down my spine and this weird feeling in my throat. I wonder if that ever leaves. Like I said on your birthday: I miss you, I’m strong!
Forever, your daughter.