The whole vlog every day in August thing has made me think about a lot of things I normally don’t spent too much time thinking about. For example, today’s topic about insecurities left me fairly unsatisfied as I didn’t know how to express what I feel because I don’t even know how I feel. I acknowledge that I have a lot of insecurities but I can’t label them let alone rank them.
And somehow my brain jumped from that to the fact that I cannot stand when people tell me what to do. I never did. I don’t enjoy unasked advice because I think I need to be able to make my own decisions, let them be mistakes but they are my mistakes and I need to make them in order to learn. If you tell me to watch Angel for example because he is less broody and annoying on his own show than he was on Buffy, I will probably cross my arms in front of my chest and do exactly the opposite of never even checking out the show. Especially if I said I don’t care for the character and you keep telling me that he’s totes better on his own show. Nope, sorry but I will not do that. In fact, it makes me want to do the exact opposite of what you suggested.
I can’t exactly explain where this is coming from nor have I any interest in changing this thing about myself. I was a good kid growing up and I understand how biased this is, coming from me. Nevertheless I tried to not cause any trouble to Mom and Grandma and I did a good job at such. Therefore these two authority figures in my life didn’t have to tell me much of what to do or tried to make me into someone I wasn’t. My grandma is probably the only person that I actually take orders from because she has earned the right to put me in my place from time to time.
If you want me to do something I may not be fully on board with, try to make it sound like it’s my own idea. I just have this need to do things myself, in my own way, however shitty that may turn out to be. I hardly ever ask for advice because I should be able to figure things out for myself. This is probably narrowing my ability to grow as a person or whatnot but that’s fine with me. I’m plenty of a person to begin with. I don’t even like asking for directions and only do so begrudgingly, like after walking up and down the hardware store three times without finding what I was looking for. Then, and only then I may consider asking for help.
The classmates of my long passed grandfather wrote about his character in the school paper that he was against it on principal. I guess that’s where I’m coming from as well.
“Aus Prinzip dagegen.”
And with this I’m ending tonights reflective insight to who I am. Maybe I will actually manage to create a more interesting and substantial post in the near future. Don’t get your hopes up though ;)