Last year at this point in time I could have never fathomed that this would be me some day. I was so overwhelmed with Mom’s care-taking and my academic life that missing her seemed impossible. 12 months later I am sitting here in the middle of the night, missing her like crazy, and this is by far not the first night (or day) this has happened.
When I got the grade for my thesis she was the first and only person I really wanted to tell but I couldn’t for obvious reasons. Not like I told her about my A-levels or all the other times throughout my school life. Instead I spent the entire car ride crying of relief and sorrow over the fact that I was finally done with it but also that I was definitely done with it. Does this even make sense?
I was so happy to not have to worry about the outcome of my studies anymore while being extremely worried about not having a plan that went further then one day at a time. Things have started to become more interesting in the job department which is great. However there are so many things I would like to ask my Mom that I simply cannot and I never expected me to be this person that I read about on many different occasions,.
I’ve lived on my own before in a strange country and solitude is not a problem for me but…
I don’t understand why this is suddenly so hard for me. It has taken me such a long time to actually mourn my loss, it’s ridiculous. There were just so many overlaying feelings that had to subside first. And I keep wondering if this feeling of loss and missing her will ever dull and be a thing I hardly think about anymore. Will it get better when the job thing finally comes through and I am not entirely in between everything anymore? I’ve never been one to cry much but in these last couple of months I have been so not me on this front. Aside from missing her, I miss having my shit together and not started sobbing at random things. Will I ever get to be the person again that I was before the cancer and the death? Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Maybe having my family in town is increasing these feelings of loss. I look at my uncle and see so many of Mom’s features in his face that make it hard to look at him for me. Not even the good features but the face after she lost all the weight and was already sick. Today my aunt asked me what I wanted for my graduation present and I could only answer nothing because she is not supposed to be the one giving me anything. I know Mom would have been all over me with a gift and I would have given her a hard time about it but I would still have expected something. I don’t want Aunt and Uncle to pick up the slack for Mom not being here anymore. I don’t need a present, I already rewarded myself it’s no big deal. Nevertheless I want to know what she had gotten me. I want to know, damn it!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, will I ever stop with all the feelsy stuff?