I’m used to dreaming a lot of rubbish and watching Doctor Who is not always helping my dreams being more realistic these days. For instance, I recently dreamed I was the Tenth Doctor and dressed as a waiter on some weird space-ship. I don’t remember what else was happening because after I got back to sleep my memory started to fade away and the next time I woke up again I had the Alanis Morissette song I listened to the night before stuck in my head.
It’s also not new to have one dream element recurring over and over again; it usually happens before exam periods where I cannot move fast enough while I’m chased by murderers. Lately though, there is one recurring element I could do much without and I don’t exactly know why it’s there or when it will leave again. I’m dreaming of my dead Mom only that she is not dead anymore. SAY WHUT??
Yep, she is alive but not in the good before-cancer way, more like cancer-free but still as helpless as with cancer. In those dreams I know she is dead and then she comes back and I again have to take care of her. It’s not scary in a “OMG my dead mother is still alive” kind of way but more of an annoying “OMG again with the taking care thing?”. I don’t wake up screaming because for a moment I thought her death was all a dream, no. My subconscious is always aware of her death. I’m actually glad to wake up because I know it was only a dream, that I won’t have to relive my worst days.
I don’t know a lot about dreams, I never had psychology classes or stuff like that. Nevertheless I believe to have a good grip on myself except for that one time but this, I don’t get just yet. Maybe it will leave me again soon but as I don’t understand where it came from, I will not know how to get rid of it. Stress dreams disappear once the source of the stress is gone but with this? I can only wonder if it has to do with my anger loosening even though that hardly makes sense to me.
As I write this I see multi-coloured particle clouds rising to the sky as a visualisation of feelings moving on. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense at all. I probably watched way too much Doctor Who in addition to not even being able to adequately describe what I see. Maybe my memory is regenerating?! Ok, I’m just gonna stop here hoping that putting thoughts to paper will get rid of them. It usually does. If not, I’ll be stuck with these weird dreams for a while longer as much as I could do without them.