The Here and Now

I was always full of plans. Plans of what I wanted to do once I got to a certain age, or after graduating high school/university but then Mom got sick and there was no time for making plans anymore. Yes, I will blame cancer for it even if it wasn’t my own sickness but that of my Mom because along with her, I lost my plan-making abilities.

There is no study abroad program to look forward to, no feeling of freedom that comes along with finishing high school and starting my studies. I should be looking forward to graduating university  but for some reason I am not. I’m out of life-plans at the moment and it makes me uncomfortable. It’s scary even. I try to look into my future and I see nothing. Everything is blank and I’m left in the here and now having to figure out where I want to go without an idea how to do so.

Sometimes I get a sliver of hope, I see a little light as an idea of a plan brushes the outskirts of my mind and as I try to get closer to it, to put my finger on it, it vanishes never to be seen again. And I’m again none the wiser.

I have no real clue what to do with my degree, sure, it won’t be too difficult to find a job once I’m done with my studies but I feel like I have to make this HUGE decision and I don’t know how to. I’m pulled into too many directions at once.

I want to live abroad but I don’t want to leave my home, mostly because of the theatre. I can’t imagine not being some part of a play each year anymore.

I want a PhD because my uncle has one but I don’t know if that’s the only reason I want it, just to prove myself that he’s not the only smart one in the family. 

I want to work and make money but I can’t think of a career that doesn’t make me want to cry every day.

And yes, damn it, I want to write. I want to act, to sing. But I’m afraid of taking risks. Better do something more substantial and starve my creativity because then at least I know I’ll have something to eat and pay the bills with.

Maybe I’m asking too much when I think about having a job that fulfils me, maybe I’m wrong in my assessment that every job I can think of will be the death of my soul because my last internships were so awful. I feel like I learnt nothing at uni and that when I will apply for jobs, they will see that – know how stupid I am.

As a kid I wanted to be a detective and I’m sorry I didn’t apply for the police academy. I’m sorry for a lot of things I didn’t follow through with because I felt the need to let grown ups decide my future for me. How I got into studying Industrial Engineering? Because a friend of my Mom suggested that I’d be good at it. Not saying I don’t like it, some parts I really do, I just feel so ill-equipped to conquer the working world now that I’ve reached the end of this plan. I am most likely standing in my own way right now. I do that sometimes. I just don’t understand how to step aside and let me walk past myself.

So here I am. Again (because this is not the first post with this general theme). Instead of trying to settle my emotions and figuring out what I want to do next I’m cranking up the procrastination as high as possible in order to avoid dealing with anything. I went from the girl who lived in the future to the girl without a plan. Hello quarter-life crisis! Will you go away if I try to ignore you real hard?

Let me tell you, it doesn’t. I’ve been avoiding dealing with so many things for the past 12 months and nothing has sorted itself out. I watched a crazy amount of TV shows and read a lot – hiding out in fiction universes. I’ve changed my life completely and than not at all at the same time. ARGH, this is all not making a lot of sense and I came on here wanting to write about how I’m finally sick of winter and snow and then this mess happened. But really, I need more sunshine for my head to stop being all depressing and blergh.

 

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  • Your want to list … isn’t impossible, but we can’t have everything … if we don’t give up some. Who have told you that you can’t stand on stage .. living abroad. I think you can sing and dance … after work. There is jobs that gives good money – that don’t make you cry every night – I had
    Take one step at the time … but I think it’s important that you go for … at least one of them. Neither do I think that we have to change our life completely …. To find a new meaning – small changes can be big adventures.

    • It’s what I struggle with most – wanting everything at the same time even as I understand that yes, I can do most of the stuff I listed as a hobby just like it is now. Only a little part of me thinks that it is maybe missing something.

      • You have to .. fulfill some of your dreams .. start with the one you – is most achievable.

  • I finished my bachelors in communicative English (journalism) in 2007 but worked in a totally different field for 3 years (aid &development). Then did my masters in social work and am now writing more than I have before. That’s just the thing about plans – when they don’t work out, you feel like a loser. What they don’t tell you when you’re growing up is that you don’t just pick a job and get stuck in it for the rest of your life – miserable but financially stable. We just don’t live in that kind of world anymore. Now we have the chance to re-evaluate every few months or whenever you feel unhappy. It’s also important to have li’l goals, like watching a sunrise and sunset on the same day or baking bread from scratch. It’s why I joined the Day Zero project. Just forget what they’ve taught you to expect. Remember that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. If you didn’t go through crises that you did in the past, you wouldn’t be who you are now – which is a strong, inspirational woman. And if you don’t go through this struggle, you’ll probably just do whatever because according to ‘logic’ that was the next step. Hugs! You’ll be more than just okay. I know it!

    • My brain works like a cheap calculator only without the ability to actually calculate. It goes into overflow error with all the possibilities I have and that is just scary! Funnily, the fact that plans rarely work out is one reason why I don’t make plans anymore but having no idea of what to do is also stupid.

      I will eventually figure it out though, and just do something. It’s probably better than I can imagine right now because my imagination is hysterical when it comes to adulthood.

      Love you for this long and kind comment!!

      • I know the feeling. I’m an obsessive-compulsive planner and know what not being in control does to people like us. You’ll do marvellously though and even if you don’t, you have us! :) HUGS!

        • Obsessive-compulsive planner. Sounds about right!

          Yes, I have you guys and that is just splendid :-)