She is an odd kid – too direct and she sometimes ends up hurting people with her words but you know she doesn‘t mean for it to happen. She‘s actually a nice person unaware of the effect words can have on other peple.
Sometimes she just sits there, staring at the girl in front of her and you wonder if she knows why she does that. It‘s not like they are real friends.
‘Oh no, I wasn‘t looking at her, just past Leia in fact, not looking anywhere specific. I was in thought’, is the stammered respone you get when you finally ask her. It‘s not very convincing but you let it slide even though everything inside you screams: ‘LIAR!’. Who are you to discuss this with her anyways?! She needs to figure this out herself.
The first time both of you met in middle school is not a pleasent memory. She was really mean to you and not in a subconscious way like her normal affronts. No, that time, she meant it!
‘I don‘t want to be associated with you. God, why are you doing this to me? Ugh, I‘ll just ignore you, do you hear me? Why can‘t you see that I don‘t want you as a friend?’
You were hurt but as both of you were always magically placed in the same class you never completely lost touch of each other and eventually she stopped loathing you. You weren‘t close, not even real friends during school but at least she stopped hating your living guts and started to tolerate you.
She prefers to hang out with the boys in your class but after all, she has most of her classes with them. Math and Science are just not crawling with girls she must have gotten used to being with boys so much that she doesn‘t even notice that it seems odd in comparison to the rest of your year where girls hang out with girls and boys with boys. Also, a lot of the girls were cruel to her, especially during middle school. They were making fun of her and teasing her but not in a good way – no funny teasing, just plain old mean girl teasing. You felt sorry for her but didn‘t do anything to help her either.
Her room is quite interesting. There are a lot of books on the shelves and she has huge posters of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Aniston above her bed and you can‘t help but wonder where the boyband posters are that all other girls in your class seem to have plastered on their walls.
She is in fact not that noticable, she has friends but doesn‘t seem to attract big crowds like other people in school. But if you‘re interested in a sarcastic comment or witty comback, you should definitely go and talk to her. She‘ll give you a run for your money.
At your high school graduation her face is torn between happiness and discomfort. After her name gets called and she goes on stage with her partner, Thomas, you see how uneasy she feels. After all, she was never good at hiding her emotions. To you, her honesty is quite refreshing and one of your favourite things about her. She doesn‘t look happy on the arm of that boy and you wonder why she is not on stage with her best friend. Oh right, she waited too long and someone else aready secured him as their graduation date, you remember having heard her talking about this. Too bad but thankfully the moment she has to stand next to Thomas isn‘t that long and you sigh of relieve when they are finally parting. Poor boy, he never had a fair chance at her heart. Well, you can‘t really blame her, he looks a bit like you pictured Grenouille from ,The Perfume‘ would look like but you also know that it‘s only half of the truth.
Both of you start to study the same thing at the university – engineering. It‘s exciting to be back in an institution of learning after spending a big part of your summer doing a mind-numbing but necessary internship in a factory.
Despite both of you knowing each other from school you don‘t hang out much. She rather spends her time with a boy from school and his friend. Sometimes you wonder if she likes one of them but then again, you know she really does not see any boy as more than a friend. Oh, but she still seems to be so clueless. You want to shout the truth at her but you know that would be like cheating and she apparently needs this time to come to her senses.
University is not like you thought it would be – not bad, just different. How you long to go out into the world and get to know different people. People who speak the language that is constantly on your mind despite it not being your native language. When it‘s time you sign up for the Erasmus program and end up being sent to your dream university in Sweden. Again she is there with you, taking the same courses but still not on the same page as you are. Poor girl.
One day in Logistics II the boy from the building across yours catches her staring at another girl‘s behind in class.
‘Hey, what were you looking at?!’
‘What? Oh, nowhere really, just been thinking. Why what did I do?’
‘Oh, nevermind’, he let‘s it go just as you did all these years ago in school. Even her answer was almost the same but that‘s still not your place to tell her even though the word ‘LIAR’ nearly escapes you. It‘s not time yet even though you feel her getting closer.
The international student organisation has planned a trip to Gotland and you are not letting this opportunity go to waste so you sign up for the weekend. Of course she is there as well. She‘s always there, trying to get out but ends up in the background most of the times. The weekend ends up being a little unplanned but maybe you‘re just too German. At least the president of the organisation seems to have enjoyed the party you all attended. A lot. Making out with another girl from the organisation and you can‘t help but smile as you recall her watching them making out on the dancefloor. She tried to hide it but you know her and you know why she was staring at them. It‘s like she doesn‘t even know – but you do. The answer to all her questions is just one thought away but she still shies away from going there. You want to give her a little extra push but that‘s not how it works. You see her wasting her time and cannot do anything about it. It‘s frustrating but the way it‘s got to be.
After you both get back from Sweden you don‘t hang out much even though you feel like you are closer to her than you‘ve ever been. And you feel how she is getting closer to her truth. It‘s not buried that deep down inside of her anymore. Just a little more time until it fully rises to the surface, you can feel it.
Then one day she ends up right in front of you and she finally looks at you, really looks at you like she sees you for the first time in her life despite the fact that you‘ve known each other for 10 plus years. You know this is the moment you have been waiting for all those years. And you see how it hits her like an anvel on the head – you see the realisation in her eyes, on her face. The same face that you have always been able to read like a book because she is not a stranger but an estranged part yourself. And in that moment you two finally become an entity again as you feel how her confusion vanishes – everything falls into place and suddenly makes perfect sense to her because she is not afraid anymore as she embraces you whole-heartedly. Thus, embracing her true self for the first time and nothing has ever been that exciting for the both of you.
So this is something different from what I normally post but as I was staring down a blank page earlier today trying to come up with something witty to say about Sherlock and this happened instead. It’s not really finished yet, well, it still doesn’t feel completely right but here it is nevertheless. I could spend the next months trying to get it right but once the moment is gone it’s so hard to get it back. Stopping now before I start to become even more cryptic than I already am. Thanks for reading my nonsense!