Do you ever have a line from a poem or song or even movie stuck in your head, cannot get it out? Well for me, it is this poem:
Ulla Hahn, 1993
Please excuse the crappy translation, I used Google Translate and my own judgement. It’s better in German, of course, but I wanted to post it here so I needed it in English as well.
I read this poem in grade 12 not because I had to, but because I went through my German lit textbook and found it there. It struck a chord in me and judging from the fact that I still remember it over six years later means something. I like the melancholy in it – on some days, it’s all you got.
It’s only tuesday and this week is already a big kill-joy because after over a week of sleeping until noon and staying up way past midnight, I have to go back to uni and my thesis at a sensible hour, which means getting up in the morning – which sucks. Big time.
I don’t remember the last day of sunshine I saw, it was probably around Christmas at my uncles place (btw, for those who care, I chickened out, never got an opening to say what I wanted to say so I didn’t) but here it’s all been grey clouds and rain and mist hanging in the air. Really depressing. The days are short and dark and I’m out of bed way too early for my liking so my mood’s been far from ideal which makes my mind think too much for its own good.
On my way back from lunch today, the poem above popped back into my head and it made me think how in some ways, I’m still the same girl I was six years ago when I first read it and in other ways I so am not. I did grow up because I had to but I’m still the lonely woman in the poem. She is me, it’s that simple.
My Facebook timeline is not helping – a friend uploads a picture of her and her boyfriend, another one changes her relationship status to not single anymore and I feel left out because nothing changes in that department for me. Ever. More and more of my friends are engaged/married/in a relationship and it makes me cynical. Whenever I pass a couple holding hands I want to curse and I’m not even sure why. I also dislike the fact that this is a recurring topic on this blog and am sorry for repeating myself but then again, this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.
At the top of my head, there are only 2 of my friends I can think of who are still single and I think it’s mostly by choice and not by lack of opportunity as in my case. Don’t misunderstand me, I am happy for everyone that finds love and is not alone anymore because that is just great but it is like seeing the thing you really, really wanted for Christmas and everyone got it except for you.
It has never been difficult for me to be on my own, sometimes I even look for chances to keep to myself because I’m not used to sharing and being all bubbly and open and everything – and maybe there lies the problem. I don’t need four friends around me at all times, I don’t mind sitting at home alone with a book. Just sometimes, it is too much – too much loneliness and darkness and moodiness to keep it all inside. Today is such a day. Let’s just hope tomorrow will be better.