Today I need a little pick-me-up. I don’t know where exactly this is coming from, maybe the sudden change in weather and the fact that it never got really bright today. You go outside and it’s kinda depressing. I’ve just been feeling down and it didn’t help that my uncle tried to guilt me by reminding me that I need to finish my studies. As if I didn’t know as much. I’m aware that I need to stop wasting my days surfing on the internet doing almost nothing. It was family lunch and I didn’t want to throw the dead-mom-card at him but, yes, I kinda wanted to.
For Pete’s sake, this is the first time in over a year that I’m allowed to not worry, to do nothing. The last two term breaks I was either doing an internship or spending my time studying for exams/ and having lectures on block. There was never a real break and there will not be another one, once I start my thesis and graduate. I’ll start working and then that’s it. So excuse me for wanting to prolong this moment. I had a rough year! You have no idea what it takes to take care of a sick person almost completely on your own. Everything that once was a constant in my life is gone or changed. I have to adjust to being on my own.
My birthday month is coming up and it feels strange knowing it’ll be the first one without her. I still don’t really miss Mom, but I think about her every day. I still get angry at her for being messy, I’m happy when I know that I can do what I want now but she is always in the back of my mind. And that’s ok, it would be weird if she weren’t.
On the outside though, I appear to be so strong. I’ve always been this way, when we moved and Mom was panicking because there was still so much to do I was the voice of reason and encouragement, assuring her everything will work out- and it did. That’s who I am because I needed to be the optimist in more situations than I can even remember. I almost never fall apart in front of people, I do this alone. I cry when I know nobody will hear or see me. I don’t argue unless in made up conversations I have with myself. I don’t think I ever had a fight with anybody, not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I fume silently until my anger is resolved and then I move on.
Sometimes I wish a friend would pull me into a hug not for a greeting but because they see that I need one. But how would they know when I have my amour in place? Or they’re out of physical reach which is normal. When I wish I had someone close by there’s no one available and when I am with them I don’t feel so down. Ugh, my insights are a mess.
It’s never been in my nature to let other people see my weaknesses which is stupid. I want to but something is preventing me from it. Does this even make any sense? I can comfortably pour my heart out in writing but actually talking to people is so difficult no matter how much real human interaction I crave.
As much as I love my friends, I want more, like most of us do (or so I assume). I wrote about it before but I want someone beside me, who holds my hand while we walk down the street, who is there when I wake up and who sleeps beside me. But I haven’t figured out how to get there. It appears to be so easy for most people but it’s too difficult for me. It’s a wonder I even have friends because I don’t know how it happened. I only remember it took time and being stuck with them in school for years was a big help. Only, I don’t go to school anymore so where am I supposed to meet people and make real connections?
The bottom line is – I feel alone – and whining on the internet is not gonna change anything about this situation but it still helps a little. So goodnight and happy Halloween folks. And for the Protestants out there, happy Reformation Day!