The Weakness in Me

Today I need a little pick-me-up. I don’t know where exactly this is coming from, maybe the sudden change in weather and the fact that it never got really bright today. You go outside and it’s kinda depressing. I’ve just been feeling down and it didn’t help that my uncle tried to guilt me by reminding me that I need to finish my studies. As if I didn’t know as much. I’m aware that I need to stop wasting my days surfing on the internet doing almost nothing. It was family lunch and I didn’t want to throw the dead-mom-card at him but, yes, I kinda wanted to.

For Pete’s sake, this is the first time in over a year that I’m allowed to not worry, to do nothing. The last two term breaks I was either doing an internship or spending my time studying for exams/ and having lectures on block. There was never a real break and there will not be another one, once I start my thesis and graduate. I’ll start working and then that’s it. So excuse me for wanting to prolong this moment. I had a rough year! You have no idea what it takes to take care of a sick person almost completely on your own. Everything that once was a constant in my life is gone or changed. I have to adjust to being on my own.

My birthday month is coming up and it feels strange knowing it’ll be the first one without her. I still don’t really miss Mom, but I think about her every day. I still get angry at her for being messy, I’m happy when I know that I can do what I want now but she is always in the back of my mind. And that’s ok, it would be weird if she weren’t.

On the outside though, I appear to be so strong. I’ve always been this way, when we moved and Mom was panicking because there was still so much to do I was the voice of reason and encouragement, assuring her everything will work out- and it did. That’s who I am because I needed to be the optimist in more situations than I can even remember. I almost never fall apart in front of people, I do this alone. I cry when I know nobody will hear or see me. I don’t argue unless in made up conversations I have with myself. I don’t think I ever had a fight with anybody, not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I fume silently until my anger is resolved and then I move on.

Sometimes I wish a friend would pull me into a hug not for a greeting but because they see that I need one. But how would they know when I have my amour in place? Or they’re out of physical reach which is normal. When I wish I had someone close by there’s no one available and when I am with them I don’t feel so down. Ugh, my insights are a mess.

It’s never been in my nature to let other people see my weaknesses which is stupid. I want to but something is preventing me from it. Does this even make any sense? I can comfortably pour my heart out in writing but actually talking to people is so difficult no matter how much real human interaction I crave.

As much as I love my friends, I want more, like most of us do (or so I assume). I wrote about it before but I want someone beside me, who holds my hand while we walk down the street, who is there when I wake up and who sleeps beside me. But I haven’t figured out how to get there. It appears to be so easy for most people but it’s too difficult for me. It’s a wonder I even have friends because I don’t know how it happened. I only remember it took time and being stuck with them in school for years was a big help. Only, I don’t go to school anymore so where am I supposed to meet people and make real connections?

The bottom line is – I feel alone – and whining on the internet is not gonna change anything about this situation but it still helps a little. So goodnight and happy Halloween folks. And for the Protestants out there, happy Reformation Day!

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  • What you said in the second last paragraph – I feel the exact same way sometimes! Its good to know I’m not alone. I also have a tendency to have ‘armour’, though I’ve found that the people who were around in the tough times in my life are the ones who I don’t have the armour with – like I built a wall and some people managed to stay on the side with me, while everyone else was blocked out.

    • The people I call my friends have been through the worst with me this year but sometimes I still feel reluctant or at least in some regards. Bit it’s tough making new friends.

  • “Does this even make any sense? I can comfortably pour my heart out in writing but actually talking to people is so difficult no matter how much real human interaction I crave.”

    Whether it makes sense or not, there are a lot of people who feel the same way.

  • I would love to give you a hug!! take care!!

    • Thank you dear. Take care yourself. How is lady-baby? Everything well?

      • everything is fine thank you! I’m just tired, it’s all coming up to me now, all the stress I had the last months. I would need a hug too, I really know this feeling, believe me! lol

  • We all feel this way at one point or another. It is absolutely normal to try and hide the feelings away, in some dark corner in your heart. That’s just who we are. But it’s ok to tell someone, especially someone that you trust what is going on on the inside. It’s ok. The relief that you feel is just amazing. The hardest part though, is finding someone that is willing to listen…If I was there I would totally give you a hug! Besides I owe you one anyways. Hope you have a happy Halloween as well :)

    • Thanks, I had a great Halloween, spent in bed reading :-) And today’s officially a religious holiday.

  • Really great post ..