My granny is the person I love most in the world, I hate to see her hurting or not doing well. She is like a parent to me. Now that Mom is no longer with us, Granny and I have sunday lunch together because it’s nice and it would be stupid for both of us to sit at home alone and eat in solitude.
For as long as I can remember she has told me stories of her life, how it was growing up during WW2, what Grandpa was like, how their life together was and what it meant to build their own business. I don’t really remember Grandpa because he died 20 years ago and was sick a long time. But through these stories I know what kind of person he was and I’m glad for it because he made Granny happy. It breaks my heart that she has to spent so much time without him.
Some of the stories I heard multiple times while others are new to me. Only recently her stories subtly changed their message or so I perceive them. They are about marital life and how a woman should treat her husband, that there are other ways to get back at him, if he treated you unfair, than to yell at him or get in an argument. Let him sleep out his hangover, the pain will be punishment enough for him. And so on. I could be wrong but these stories are coming up more and more often and I wonder if she is trying to hint I should find a boyfriend/potential husband. She doesn’t know that I’m a lesbian, not because she is a racist but mostly because I’m a rather private person and even though I know she has nothing against homosexuals in general it’s still a bit terrifying to tell her. I don’t want to rock her world again so close after Mom’s death.
I never brought home a guy, never been in a relationship with one as far as she knows. Even though I don’t particularly look like a stereotypical lesbian except for my footwear, it’s also not a big surprise that I prefer women. But one only sees what one wants to see so I guess this option never crossed her mind.
On the other hand, Granny is terrified that I might fall in love with a man over the internet, and he will rob me of all my possessions and money. Or that he turns out to be an axe-murderer, rapist or whatever her imagination comes up with. Thank you very much TV for fuelling her imagination! She recently told me, that she woke up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare like that. I get that she is worried and cares so much for me but in most cases I’m a grown-up and not stupid. Just because my mother married an idiot does mean I’ll do the same.
It’s like she cannot even make up her own mind whether I should find a man or become a nun. I try to tell her to not worry so much and I keep wondering if my coming-out to her would actually change her worries or only deepen them. Same sex marriage is partly legal in Germany. It’s called civil union and is like marriage in some points and totally ignorant in others like adoption and tax benefits. I suppose it wouldn’t even make her worry less. It would be like tomayto – tomahto to her and she’d hand me my convent application.
Christmas will be in about 8 weeks and even though we haven’t discussed where we will celebrate this year (even though I’m leaning towards spending it at my uncle’s house) I think it will be a good time to come out to my family as all of them will be together and none of them knows yet. I’m not sure if I will actually go through with it but it would be a proper opportunity at least.