I’m not sure when it happened, it was probably a gradual thing but it happened sometime this year. I lost my focus – focus in my life end especially in my academical career. When you’re a regular to my blog you might say it’s not a big surprise. With everything going on this year it was bound to happen and you’re right. It still doesn’t make feeling lost any better.
Where will I go from here?
I’ve made half-hearted attempts at getting a hold of my professor to hear what he has to say about my project paper which I’ll likely have to correct and resubmit. He’s pretty busy at the moment and I tried a couple of times but never vehemently because it’s just not how I do things. I wait them out. So instead I watched TV and read a lot. Enjoyed this little extra vacation I got. But now it’s about time to start again. Only I have no clue how to!
I really don’t like talking to people aside from friends. I prefer to write or text people. Then, I can edit what I say and think until I know how to phrase that thought in my mind. It takes time which is why my oral grades in school were always bad. Until I finally thought of a way to say what I wanted to in order to answer the teacher’s question, a fellow pupil was picked to answer because he/she was faster than me.
So I do not want to screw up talking to my prof because I would love to write my thesis at his department but I’m afraid to ask. As stupid as it sounds but yes, I’m afraid of that rejection because his department is the only one I’m interested in in all the engineering field. I don’t know what I actually could do with my knowledge in the fields of human factors engineering and ergonomics so that’s another thing I’d like to ask him. But it feels stupid, like I cannot find this out by myself and so on. And I just don’t want to see him how stupid I actually am even though after 3 oral exams with him I’m pretty sure he has a grasp of that already.
If anyone had asked me last year what I wanted to to after graduating, I would have said, doing my PhD but now I’m unsure if that’s really what I want or if I just want it for all the wrong reasons, namely proving to myself that my uncle is not the only smartypants in the family with his PhD in physics. Also, I don’t know if I’m cut out to pursue such an academic career even though I’d love to spent the rest of my life in labs doing experiments because what’s better than that? Working with actual people? Please!! So overrated xD
Where did my focus go and why am I such a lazy person? What am I to do with a degree in industrial engineering when every job that comes to mind just sounds boring and not what I want?
This post serves more as a reminder to myself to actually go out and do something. To get my act together. To regain the focus I lost so many months ago. Some people like to write down their thoughts and burn them in order to get rid of bad feelings or so. For me, this is accomplished by blogging. It pushes me to quit whining because when I come back to this blog and read what I wrote some time ago, I hope that things have changed for the better, that I’ve somehow improved.
I went to Uni yesterday and got my annotated project paper back. My prof didn’t say anything whether he liked what he read or not but I guess that’s just how he rolls. So I have to make some changes and then hand it in again and have a final talk about it with him. Maybe then I get over myself and ask him at least some of my questions.
On a related note, I went into one of the washrooms at uni and apparently students are idiots these days. The result is that now this hangs in the washrooms, much to my amusement.