It’s been two days now since my Mom passed away. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it except that I don’t really feel sad. I cried when I got THE call and the next morning I went to see my gran but after that I haven’t.
Everything happened so fast. Thursday I came back from my vacation and on the car-ride home from the aiport I called my gran since I hadn’t talked to her in a week (because my stupid phone decided to throw a temper tantrum ever after I left Ottawa) and she told me to come see my mom that day. I hadn’t planned to do so. All I wanted to do was go to sleep since I’d been up for 24 hours. Nevertheless I got into my car and drove to the hospice my mom was relocated to earlier that day.
She looked worse than when I left 3 weeks prior but I expected that. My best friend who picked me up from the airport had already told me that he believed my mom was only waiting to see me again before she could let go. As it turned out, that’s exactly what happened. So I went to the hospice and she was still awake. I briefly talked to her but she was confused a lot. When I tried to make her look at me, she only looked past me with empty eyes. It was a short visit of under an hour but I promised to come back the next day. All I could think about was going to sleep, and so I did. Slept for 12 hours before I got a call from the nurse at the hospice telling me Mom’s condition had worsened considerably during the night. I told them I’d come by later since I had some things I needed to take care of before. But I called my gran who went there immediately.
I got there around 9 am and she was unconscious, just getting another dose of morphine to calm her down and keep her of pain. It was so tough to look at her like that. Both the nurse and my gran (she’s seen a lot of people die, too many by now) informed me that it won’t be long now and they were right. Shorty before 10 pm the same day she passed away. I had only left her 1 1/2 hours earlier as my gran had settled in at her bedside for the night. I needed to go to sleep again since I’m still jet lagged. I was already asleep when Gran called to inform me. I asked if I needed to come down there but was relieved when I needn’t to.
And like that I became and orphan. Well, technically I’m not but since I don’t know where my father is and I haven’t even seen him in years, it feels like it. He’s nothing more than a sperm donor to me. My small family got even smaller. But at least I was granted one wish, that the day of mom’s death won’t be the same as the birthday of my best friend.
I could beat myself up for not feeling more sad at the moment but that would be stupid, I guess. Maybe my head is still in vacation mode and it will probably take a while until my consciousness will have caught up with reality but I also know that it’s better for all of us this way. She wouldn’t have recovered from that type of cancer, nobody ever does. I couldn’t have taken her home again because the last weeks before my vacation had taught me that I couldn’t take care of her anymore by myself. And my granny was/ still is taking it the hardest. She was alone with her the last three weeks as I got to go away. She’s been in emotional pain for a long while now but also in physical pain since she desperately needs an operation to at least relieve her of some of the pain in her knee. She can hardly walk anymore because of it but put everything on hold as Mom got progressively worse. Now we can all begin to heal again. Slowly.
My body’s been shaking since I started typing this post but there aren’t any tears left. I’m all cried out from months upon months of desperation, not knowing when and how it would end. The day Mom left for good I was so calm, so damn calm. I only cried when Gran was sitting next to her, holding her hand saying a prayer. My family is not the most religious bunch especially not my Mom but since she was unconscious it was more for my Gran. She needed it! And it was heartbreaking only my heart had already been broken a long while ago. It’s different to loose a parent, it’s the normal cycle of life but loosing your child is so much more wrong! So much more! It pains me to see Gran so sad.
The funeral is already arranged and will be next saturday so my cousins won’t need to be kept out of school a they have to get here from the south. We only have to pick a tree since she won’t be buried in a typical grave. I don’t care for graves and can’t predict if I’ll stay in this town once I finished studying so it’s the better alternative. I also bought clothes to wear for saturday. Gran wants me to dress in dark clothes for a while but I will only do so until the funeral. I don’t own a lot of black as I prefer colourful clothes and refuse to buy stuff I won’t wear later. Also, I should be allowed to be dressed in clothes I feel comfortable in, that I like and not just for the sake of a colour.
It may be silly to some of you that I had to recap this so detailed but somehow I needed to do so. Things only ever get real after I write them down, get them out. Thanks for staying with me. I foresee a lighter future for this blog and a recap of my awesome vacation in Canada.