Hallelujah

It’s almost 11 pm and I’m sitting on my balcony, in the dark. The thermometer tells me it’s 15┬░C and I’m lying on the chair in shorts waiting for the cold to numb my heartache.

Above me the starts are partially covered by clouds and Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’ is playing on repeat because it soothes my aching heart and soul.

I feel like I’m falling apart – bit by bit- until nothing more is left. I need to cry but I don’t want to. I don’t want the puffy eyes and running nose that come with it. I want to hit things – break stuff. Instead I’m writing – trying to get my rage out.

I’m tired but I have a hard time falling asleep because so much is going on in my head. Today my beloved Granny collapsed at the doctor because of all that’s happening with my mom. She is 78 and also tired of this constant battle – this battle with a person who doesn’t eat. Fair enough the chemo treatment messes with her senses but still. It’s no wonder she is this weak – the woman doesn’t eat! Everything we make her, she picks at it and leaves half of it on her plate.

I can only hope Granny will have some strength restored from a long sleep. The doc gave her something so she’d be out a while. It’s bad enough I’m loosing one family member a bit every day, I don’t want to loose two at the same time!

I can’t wait to leave Mom at the hospital on monday because then I’ll have 2-4 days of not having to worry. She falls down nearly every day now. Do you know how hard it is to get a grown woman off the floor by yourself? ┬áSomeone that is weak? I’m quite strong but it’s still not enough. I’m getting better at it but it’s not how it’s supposed to be.

NOTHING IS LIKE IT’S SUPPOSED TO ANYMORE!!!!

Parents shouldn’t have to worry about their children like this! And yes, I shouldn’t be imprisoned by someone elses illness either. I don’t want to constantly have to worry when I leave the house.

JUST FUCK YOU CANCER. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

Thankfully we now have a placement for her beginning the day after I leave for Canada so she’ll be taken care of for 4 weeks.

When she falls, a part of me wishes that she hits her head badly enough on something so she dies. Or when I come into the room and she’s asleep in the TV chair and I can’t immediately see if she’s still breathing I hope for a second that she fell asleep for good. But then I see her chest moving and know she’s still with us.

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!!! BUT I DO!! IT’S TERRIBLE!!!

It’s now 10 past 11 pm and I’ll go to bed now, read a bit – hoping it will move my mind off things – restore some happiness inside of me. The next post will be lighter, I promise!

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  • Oh no…I hope everything turns out ok. Those conflicting feelings really seem to be doing a number on you :( Get some good rest, and everything always seems to work out in the end for sure.

    • I was dead tired and frustrated. I feel better now, but who knows how long this feeling will last?!
      It’s just been a hard couple of weeks…

  • Yeah, it’s hard. I understand some of what you’re feeling. Sometimes you just have to give yourself permission to let it all out.

  • I hope everything will better soon! I understand the frustration and depression that you’re feeling. Expressing yourself is one way of letting it all out.
    Sending good wishes your way!

    • Thanks, it’s just very overwhelming sometimes…writing is helping….

  • I am sorry to hear that your mom isn’t doing well, and now your grandmother. What a lot to carry for you. I totally understand how you are feeling, and don’t think you’re alone. This cancer sucks and sometimes it is just easier to wish for it to be all over with. Thinking about you today. Hoping you are feeling better.

    • Thanks. I’m better this day but it’s pure stress at the moment making sure everything is taken care of until I leave in 8 days. Oh, I SO cannot wait for it to be the 22nd. I hope my granny is doing everything to pace herself cause she is at the verge of a heart attack according to her doc.

      How is your dad?