A Thing about Recent Discoveries

Recently I found myself surrounded by some female buddies. I won’t call them friends because we only hang out during performances when there’s no one else to hang out with. One of them had a magazine and as in every summer issue, there was a big love horoscope thing in there. As they were going around reading what their horoscopes predicted for their love lives, they eventually ended up on me and so I had to read mine too.

It predicted something about falling in love with a guy before September and some more of that stuff. And as the girls and the old guy that was sitting with us were very happily talking about this subject it made me a bit uncomfortable because I don’t think I’ll be falling in love with a guy anytime soon since I’d much rather be with a girl but nobody in the theater knows that yet about me.

I don’t feel like going around telling everyone that I’m gay but at that moment I really wanted to blurt it out but of course I didn’t. Maybe I should have, I’m not sure. It’s all still very new so I tried being as evasive as possible whenever the topic of my summer guy love came up again on that afternoon but it left me wondering and amazed at the same time.

Perhaps I could have just changed guy to girl in my head and it would have been fine. But it wasn’t because it bothered me that the stupid magazine only thinks of straight people. This is probably just the beginning of me feeling misrepresented by main-stream media.

Aargh, I don’t know how to fully express these feelings I had.

I’ve been dangling my feet in the truth about my sexuality for months, dancing around the edges of it until everything I held back all those years finally rose to the surface. And I’m glad it did. It’s not that I have zero interest in men but only very little in comparison to women so I should probably call myself bisexual as I am not opposed to ever being with a man but I don’t like that word very much and also I swing more to the female side so I go by lesbian but I actually prefer to call myself gay. Does this make any sense at all?

This was actually the first time I realized the difference of being gay, it never bothered me before when I read something and only straight people were referenced. It never bothered me because I assumed I was one of them; until recently. But I’m not, perhaps I’ve never been only I was not aware of it.

Later that day, the guy who plays Captain Hook asked me if I had a boyfriend and I just told him I’m too boring for anyone to like me. What I wanted to say though is, that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend but a girlfriend because I’m gay. But again, I didn’t.

It’s just so strange since I know there will be more and more times in my life in which I’ll feel misrepresented because people (and I include myself in this) see straight as the default orientation. You assume you’re straight and assume that the people you meet are straight and they are until they reveal themselves as not.

So far, I haven’t fully understood how to handle it with the majority of people I know. But I think that me wanting to tell some of them is a step into the right direction, or am I mistaken? It takes time to fully get my head around everything and I don’t want to rush things. I never do anything in haste so why should I do it with this? But I can’t stop thinking that I had a chance that day to come out further and that I let a good opportunity pass by.

For now, I’ll just stay in the nomansland of not being fully out but not being completely in the closet either.

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  • I was drunk with colleagues (before transition), and they started talking about cross-dressing. So I said, “I do that”. At first they tried to get me to admit I was “joking”, then one said, “You know, I think he’s telling the truth.” As if I wasn’t there.

    And- I have lost friends, and I have gained friends, and I would rather have friends who know who I am rather than friends who only like me because I pretend to be someone else.

    • It’s not the loss of friends I’m afraid of. I don’t think my fellow theater folks would actually mind me being gay, I wouldn’t be the first one. It’s just a lot of new feelings I still have to get used to.

      • Oh! Yes. So much to have held down. Finding you do not need to hold it down any more is so Scary- and then so Liberating!

        It gets better, as they say. Be well.

        • Thanks :-) Be well yourself.

          • @ Clare, that line where you said “then one said, “You know, I think he’s telling the truth.” As if I wasn’t there.” really cracked me up! :-D I cut out my friends and acquaintances who I knew wouldn’t support me. I know it was a bit harsh, but I’d rather ran first than be ran out on…

            @ Wilhelmina, I also prefer the label gay, I think it suits me much better than lesbian. I don’t think this was necessarily an opportunity to tell them, I think it was an opportunity to think about it.

          • Well, it definitely got me thinking. As there are only a few people that know so far, I only had positive experiences with telling people.
            Good to know I’m not alone with the gay/lesbian thing.

  • Hmm. Coming at it from the other perspective, I think that if a friend (/buddy/acquaintance/whatever) was gay, I would rather know than not know. Not that his (or her) personal life is any of my business, but, as you say, I tend to think of people as straight until I find out otherwise. So when I DO find out otherwise, it makes me rethink everything I’ve ever said to him, or everything he’s ever said to me, all with this new perspective. (Of course, I do tend to overthink things. On a related note, I hope this comment isn’t totally out of line, you just got me thinking about it.)

    All that being said, it comes down to how you feel. If you’re still figuring out your own feelings on the matter, it might not be the best time to start sharing that information with your “buddies.” That time will come soon enough.

    • Don’t worry, why should your comment be out of line? I tend to over-think things myself, haha. Hearing someones coming out makes you reevaluate everything, I get that, again, I do it too. It’s strange thing.

      • Re: the out-of-line-ness, I just didn’t want it to come across like I feel I have any right to tell someone when they should or shouldn’t come out. It’s a hugely personal thing. Just thought I’d throw in my “outsider’s” perspective.

  • Very well written. Take good care of you and take your time to get your true feelings out

  • Vanessa

    Great post! You’re definitely not alone in having those thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to figure out how/when to tell people, even if you are pretty sure they’re react fine to it. Especially when it’s still new to you. I think every not-straight person has been there. It’s just such an awkward thing, because the norm is straight. It takes time to figure out what works best for you.
    I usually make a joke out of the situation, which seems to take the edge off and make things less serious. During a party game once we all had to write the pet name we called our boyfriend, and I wrote ‘imaginary’ then explained while people were laughing.
    Plus, I’d say your thoughts on labels and using one over the other is fine and normal too (I use gay most of the time too).

    • Wilhelmina Upton

      Imaginary, I like that! Over a year later, it’s easier to handle but still awkward at times. My family still doesn’t know and I don’t care enough to say anything unless I get an explicit question about whether I’ve got a boyfriend I won’t say anything.

      The other day an acquaintance I’ve known all my life because my family has been buying bread from them since forever asked if I had a gf. I was so shocked that I had to ask twice. I’m still not sure if that’s what she was actually asking but since my doubting face elicited a or bf as a further question I think that’s what it was. I would have never expected her to ask that question because she seems like such an oblivious person and this is a rather small town. It still makes me smile.

      • Vanessa

        Oh how cool about the acquaintance, that’s a nice change. Maybe her attitude will rub off on other people slowly. And family’s tough. Waiting for an explicit question is a good idea in a lot of cases. I haven’t explicitly told my tiny extended family, but my aunt found out and I think it’s partially made the rounds. (Plus anyone who has me on FB can tell I think :) )

        • Wilhelmina Upton

          It was a very nice moment. People who have me on FB should be able to tell as well, and since I’m friends with my 2 cousins there, maybe they understand what I’m posting or not. I have no idea how much of it they get with 14 and almost 16 years old.

          I just decided not to go and make a big fuss of coming out to my small family. When it happens it happens, no reason to plan it.