Recently I found myself surrounded by some female buddies. I won’t call them friends because we only hang out during performances when there’s no one else to hang out with. One of them had a magazine and as in every summer issue, there was a big love horoscope thing in there. As they were going around reading what their horoscopes predicted for their love lives, they eventually ended up on me and so I had to read mine too.
It predicted something about falling in love with a guy before September and some more of that stuff. And as the girls and the old guy that was sitting with us were very happily talking about this subject it made me a bit uncomfortable because I don’t think I’ll be falling in love with a guy anytime soon since I’d much rather be with a girl but nobody in the theater knows that yet about me.
I don’t feel like going around telling everyone that I’m gay but at that moment I really wanted to blurt it out but of course I didn’t. Maybe I should have, I’m not sure. It’s all still very new so I tried being as evasive as possible whenever the topic of my summer guy love came up again on that afternoon but it left me wondering and amazed at the same time.
Perhaps I could have just changed guy to girl in my head and it would have been fine. But it wasn’t because it bothered me that the stupid magazine only thinks of straight people. This is probably just the beginning of me feeling misrepresented by main-stream media.
Aargh, I don’t know how to fully express these feelings I had.
I’ve been dangling my feet in the truth about my sexuality for months, dancing around the edges of it until everything I held back all those years finally rose to the surface. And I’m glad it did. It’s not that I have zero interest in men but only very little in comparison to women so I should probably call myself bisexual as I am not opposed to ever being with a man but I don’t like that word very much and also I swing more to the female side so I go by lesbian but I actually prefer to call myself gay. Does this make any sense at all?
This was actually the first time I realized the difference of being gay, it never bothered me before when I read something and only straight people were referenced. It never bothered me because I assumed I was one of them; until recently. But I’m not, perhaps I’ve never been only I was not aware of it.
Later that day, the guy who plays Captain Hook asked me if I had a boyfriend and I just told him I’m too boring for anyone to like me. What I wanted to say though is, that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend but a girlfriend because I’m gay. But again, I didn’t.
It’s just so strange since I know there will be more and more times in my life in which I’ll feel misrepresented because people (and I include myself in this) see straight as the default orientation. You assume you’re straight and assume that the people you meet are straight and they are until they reveal themselves as not.
So far, I haven’t fully understood how to handle it with the majority of people I know. But I think that me wanting to tell some of them is a step into the right direction, or am I mistaken? It takes time to fully get my head around everything and I don’t want to rush things. I never do anything in haste so why should I do it with this? But I can’t stop thinking that I had a chance that day to come out further and that I let a good opportunity pass by.
For now, I’ll just stay in the nomansland of not being fully out but not being completely in the closet either.