Should and Shouldn’t

I shouldn’t have eaten the bag of potato chips yesterday.

I shouldn’t be eating the donuts I just bought.

But I do eat them, because my will is pretty weak when it comes to food. And I’m mostly ok with it. I gave up on having the perfect model figure a long, long time ago.

Life isn’t always about doing what you should do. For example, I should be writing on my project at the moment but I ended up on WordPress procrastinating instead.

Blogging has been a great experience so far, I got to know people around the globe I wouldn’t have gotten in contact with if it weren’t for blogging. It also helped me in ways I didn’t know I needed help. Every time I write something and hit the ‘Publish’-button it sets me free a little bit more, especially with the harder stuff I went through so far this year with my mom being sick and dealing with it.

It’s being said that, when you go through rough times, it’s when you really do your soul searching. I’m no stranger to hard times. It’s been ten years since that saturday morning the police rang our doorbell to arrest my father for tax fraught or something like that. My mom was not there, she was at work, like she sometimes did back then. I was really terrified, not because of my father being put in jail but because of what this would mean for my mom. Things were always difficult because of him. I guess this is why I don’t miss having him in my life. I’d love to have a dad right now, someone who would help me take care of mom but I know it’s not the father I have that I want. Does this sound harsh? Well, it’s true.

I’m an honest person, sometimes way to direct and therefore not made to be a diplomat even though I once considered it a career opportunity. If you give me a birthday present, it’s not hard to read my mind whether I like it or not. I know I should just try and be polite but I’m not. I’ve gotten better at it by now but I suppose people can still tell that even if I say ‘thank you’ and ‘oh that is so cool, I like it very much’, I’m lying and I don’t like to lie. My father was good at lying and I don’t want to be!

People should be honest with each other.

But are we always honest with ourselves? Do we even know it when we aren’t?

I didn’t.

And I didn’t know that it was even possible to hide from yourself, especially when you’re an introvert like me who thinks and thinks and thinks about thinking. I was dishonest with myself though and that’s what I learnt in the last months.

It’s ok to be who we are.

‘I’m not afraid anymore.’ This thought hit me yesterday while I was waiting for a friend to go to a concert. I’ve always felt a little different from others. It started in kindergarten when I didn’t know what to answer when one of the other kids asked me what my father’s job was because I honestly didn’t know. All the other kids had dads with normal jobs but not me. I still don’t know what he does and it’s been 20 years since kindergarten.

If you’ve made it this far though this post then you’re certainly asking yourself what I’m trying to say, what the whole point of my trip down memory lane is all about and if I even have a point. Well,…I do, of course. This is not my typical rambling. I’m only prolonging the moment here, to get more time to decide if I should put it on this blog or not. But then again, why am I writing under a nome de plume if not for anonymity, right? So, it shouldn’t be a difficult decision. I shouldn’t be afraid to send this out into the infinity of cyber-space and I’m not. So I’m just gonna say it:

I’m not straight.

How could it take me so long to figure this one out? Well, I honestly don’t know. At least, there are a lot of things in my life that make more sense to me than they did before.

Now, I’m going to hit the ‘Publish’-button once again and let yet another piece of myself float into the nothingness of the blogosphere. I’ll see if it makes me feel freer…

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  • you describe and write very well! I’m happy for you that you’ve found beauty in blogging and in the publish-button. We all have “secrets”, we all need a way to live with them and our tension. I wish you all the best and I will follow you in your future blogging!

    • Thank you! I’ve always liked writing down the stuff in my head and blogging is just taking things a bit further for me. I still keep my diary but I hardly write in it anymore.
      It’s always nice to get new readers and I like your blog as well :-)

  • Saying it feels just so liberating, isn’t it? Not as hard as you thought it would be. Thanks for being honest, Ms. Upton.

    • Yes, it wasn’t so hard after all :-)
      Haha, my pleasure Miss Addie, being honest is just more natural to me than not being.

  • Hey, I’ve just been perusing through your blog and I quite like how you write. :)
    I’m really sorry about your past hurts, esp that of your dad. I’m glad for you that you have acknowledged that you aren’t straight… Don’t rush yourself to fit a particular label or definition, get to know and like you first. All the best. (hug)

    • Thank you for looking around my blog! Yes, I’m not really looking for a label because I don’t know what good it does. And don’t worry, I won’t rush, after all, it only took me 24 years to get here :D

      • Good. :) 24 isn’t too many considering the 50 plus ladies who figure it out then. :D