A four letter word

My family was not what you would call a happy one while I was growing up. My mom was the best but she was also working a lot, supporting us. My dad was/is a do-no-good who wasted our money. I never saw them happy with each other, exchanging kisses. I never understood why she didn’t leave him sooner.

I guess my mom married him out of spite because my gran was annoying her, with comments about why she didn’t have anyone and stuff like that, so she chose the next best thing, my father. Yuk!

With my now 24 years of age I can’t help but wonder, is it their fault that I am unable to fall for another person or is it mine? Does it even have to be someones fault at all?

I mean, I think I fell in love before but it was never reciprocated, I was usually alone with my feelings or, even worse, when there was someone who cared for me, then he looked like how I pictured Grenouille out of ‘The Perfume’ by Patrick Süßkind so it wasn’t an option either. Not saying that I care too much about looks but you should at least be able to imagine the two of you together without shaking from disgust, right?

Where did I took the wrong turn on my life’s path?

I don’t believe that I need a partner to feel complete and happy but it would be nice every once in a while to feel loved by someone, holding hands and not being alone every single day. Just the simple things.

I’m 24 and I don’t know anything about dating which makes me feel embarrassed. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you guys this but it is something my mind wanders about quite often.

Will I die an old spinster lady surrounded by her army of cats, even though I don’t even like cats? I’m a dog person you know and not those little one’s that fit into purses, no, big dogs, like golden retriever and bernese mountain dogs.

And when I might eventually find a right person, will I be too set in my own ways to be with him?

Will I be able to see that my way of doing things is not the only one?

I don’t mind doing stuff on my own, hell I even enjoy it a lot of the times but I also feel lonely sometimes. As it is spring (even though it’s raining outside but rain happens in spring too, right?) you see all these couples outside being all happy with themselves. I get angry when I see them, because I want it too! I just don’t know how to get there.

I guess I’m just so afraid of getting hurt, of loosing control, which is why I built all those road-blocks around my heart, so nobody can find a way inside even though I want them to. I don’t want to end like my mother, I don’t want to make the same mistakes she did.

Do other people see that my mind is a big puddle of crazy stirred with more crazy?

Is that why they keep their distance?

What makes men turn away from me not even considering that I could be a lovely person to hang around with? Damn, I study engineering, I spent the last 5 years around so many boys and still nothing. Is it because I don’t like to party like everyone else because I don’t enjoy alcohol and techno-/ electr0-/ house- music?

I’m quite shy, I don’t want to get on anyones nerves. It takes me a while to open up and I don’t even know how to start a conversation with a total stranger. I usually wait until the other person starts cause I have no clue.

Why is it, that I know exactly what I don’t want but not what I actually want?

Well things change. A couple of years ago, I couldn’t imagine wanting kids, now I want three! But will I ever get close to having even one child? Will I ever get married?

I find it hard to talk about my feelings, even with some good friends I had for years. Heck, I don’t even talk to my mom about anything. I’m a private person, except on this blog under the cover of my fake name. I’m better with the written word than actually talking face to face, I’ve always been this way. I prefer texting over calling…you get the picture.

My problem is probably that I just think too much! I think ALL THE TIME. I can’t help it.

I know none of you readers can change anything, nevertheless I needed to get this off my chest. That’s what blogs are for, right? Telling strangers stuff you can’t tell the people in your life because you’re afraid the will judge you. Not that I don’t care about what you guys think but it’s different. I hope you understand.

I’ve never said ‘I love you’ and I’ve never been told that by someone. Those four letters mean a lot but what do I know – the spinster of the 21st century – your’s truly.

I’m still not sure whether I will go to the wedding tomorrow of this girl I went to school with. A friend of mine is going which is the reason I know about it. I just want to see the ceremony, the last wedding I attended was when I was 5 and I fell asleep in church because it was sooo freaking long. I also wasn’t allowed to disperse my flowers in the church, I had to do it outside. It was my uncle’s wedding and I feel like I’m wandering off topic here.

I guess this is it. I hope I didn’t scare off any of my followers by this excursion into my head. If this was too personal for you, I’m sorry, it’s not always like this. I really hope you’ll come back :-)

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  • Hugs. Big ones. You’ll discover yourself just as surely as you’ll find him. Hang in there and let go of your walls slowly. It’ll work itself out

    • Thank you! I usually wait until the universe figures my problems out :D

  • Thanks for the follow. I read this post and I hear myself as I once was in your words. I can only tell you my experience which was that: Yes, my wounds in many ways are the legacy of my parents but how they got there are only important in the acknowledgement because to get to a better place was my responsibility. Forgiveness had to happen for me. I had to forgive my parents for their youth and humanness and in them doing their life my life was adversely affected. It helped me clear the way. Then came self-love. I spent so long in self-loathing and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find love. When I learned to love myself I realized how true that cliche of “You can not another until you learn to love yourself” really was. The rest follows but you have to know that only you are responsible for your happiness – everyone else in your life who gives it is a blessing, an added bonus. I don’t see the choices we make in life wrong because every choice/decision we make opens us up to countless others and a wrong decision somewhere can open you up to the rightest decision of your life down the road so how could that be wrong? Good luck on your journey.

    • Thanks for that long reply. I agree with you that you need to love yourself first before there’s even room for other people. Thankfully I do love myself, sometimes I’m even afraid that I do it too much :-)