This was one of the worst weekends in history, at least for me. Saturday afternoon I walk downstairs to prepare myself a little snack and I hear sounds from my mom’s bedroom. I go there while thinking she may have a bad dream or so. Boy was I wrong! Her face was all swollen up and she was talking nonsense and that she is dizzy. I was horrified and didn’t know what to do, since it really looked bad. (My mom has terminal brain cancer so something like this was not totally unexpected but WTH?? Also, I am an only child and my father is long gone and not missed I should add. I’m left alone with most of it, except for my 78 years old grandma, who is great but not the youngest under the sun.)
I calles my grandma, who thankfully only lives a street away. She was instantly over at our house and when she saw mom’s condition didn’t know what to do either so we called 911. The ambulance came quickly and were not reluctant to take her with them to the hospital she is familiar to because she was operated there and got her chemotherapy at it as well. Just as most of the paramedic’s equipment was already stowed away in the ambulance again, she had a seizure or something similar. It looked like a nasty epileptic shock. I was so horrified and thankful that the doctor was already in the house at the same time. They stabilized her and took her to the hospital.
I had to take my car and follow them since my granny was riding shotgun in the ambulance. They made an emergency CT upon arrival but it was not too revealing so my mom had to stay in the recovery room until this morning. They made an MRI this morning as well which came back as clear as it can be for a patient with a recurrent glioblastoma kind of brain tumor.
Needless to say, I spent my Saturday evening in the hospital was well as Sunday afternoon and Monday morning because we didn’t want her to be alone before the MRI as she was scared. I don’t mind doing all of this for her, after all she is my mom! But it’s just so hard doing most of it alone and she can be a real handful.
I get that it’s hard being dependent on other people, not being allowed to drive and all but as soon as she woke up in the hospital on Sunday morning she wanted to leave which was absolutely out of the question. The nurses were very nice and it is their job to help her and make sure she doesn’t fall but she got angry because she thinks she is fit and can do it all alone which she most certainly cannot do. I really wish it were different, but it’s not.
She is behaving like a little tyrant or a spoiled only-child, everything you do is just not as she wants it. I get that she is frustrated but I’m almost falling apart myself. After all, I’m only 24 years old, I shouldn’t be taking care of my dying mother. It’s too soon!!
Eventually she will die though and I already dread it because things are difficult enough as they are now and I don’t know how much more I can take since I have a ton of studying to do at the moment, too. It’ll only get worse for a while I guess until it will get better one day, only, when will this day come?
And the mess doesn’t end here. I just got a call saying she broke her left arm when she fell earlier today. Hip-Hip-Hooray, 6 weeks of wearing a cast. Seriously, haven’t I suffered enough?
I may be the worst person ever, but honestly, I wish she would die rather sooner than later. The chemotherapy can only stretch her life expectancy, give her more time, but what kind of time is that? I don’t want it, cause there is nothing of it I’m enjoying at the moment. Everything is work. Our house looks messy all the time, the door of the fridge is left open for more than half an hour sometimes and a lot of other stuff. The worst is, she doesn’t see herself as being that ill.
So, in conclusion I’m not sure whether I’m already in hell or just stuck with my nose against the window of it. Bear with me as I keep finding out, will you?!