My glimpse at Hell…or am I already in it?

This was one of the worst weekends in history, at least for me. Saturday afternoon I walk downstairs to prepare myself a little snack and I hear sounds from my mom’s bedroom. I go there while thinking she may have a bad dream or so. Boy was I wrong! Her face was all swollen up and she was talking nonsense and that she is dizzy. I was horrified and didn’t know what to do, since it really looked bad. (My mom has terminal brain cancer so something like this was not totally unexpected but WTH?? Also, I am an only child and my father is long gone and not missed I should add. I’m left alone with most of it, except for my 78 years old grandma, who is great but not the youngest under the sun.)

I calles my grandma, who thankfully only lives a street away. She was instantly over at our house and when she saw mom’s condition didn’t know what to do either so we called 911. The ambulance came quickly and were not reluctant to take her with them to the hospital she is familiar to because she was operated there and got her chemotherapy at it as well. Just as most of the paramedic’s equipment was already stowed away in the ambulance again, she had a seizure or something similar. It looked like a nasty epileptic shock. I was so horrified and thankful that the doctor was already in the house at the same time. They stabilized her and took her to the hospital.

I had to take my car and follow them since my granny was riding shotgun in the ambulance. They made  an emergency CT upon arrival but it was not too revealing so my mom had to stay in the recovery room until this morning. They made an MRI this morning as well which came back as clear as it can be for a patient with a recurrent glioblastoma kind of brain tumor.

Needless to say, I spent my Saturday evening in the hospital was well as Sunday afternoon and Monday morning because we didn’t want her to be alone before the MRI as she was scared. I don’t mind doing all of this for her, after all she is my mom! But it’s just so hard doing most of it alone and she can be a real handful.

I get that it’s hard being dependent on other people, not being allowed to drive and all but as soon as she woke up in the hospital on Sunday morning she wanted to leave which was absolutely out of the question. The nurses were very nice and it is their job to help her and make sure she doesn’t fall but she got angry because she thinks she is fit and can do it all alone which she most certainly cannot do. I really wish it were different, but it’s not.

She is behaving like a little tyrant or a spoiled only-child, everything you do is just not as she wants it. I get that she is frustrated but I’m almost falling apart myself. After all, I’m only 24 years old, I shouldn’t be taking care of my dying mother. It’s too soon!!

Eventually she will die though and I already dread it because things are difficult enough as they are now and I don’t know how much more I can take since I have a ton of studying to do at the moment, too. It’ll only get worse for a while I guess until it will get better one day, only, when will this day come?

And the mess doesn’t end here. I just got a call saying she broke her left arm when she fell earlier today. Hip-Hip-Hooray, 6 weeks of wearing a cast. Seriously, haven’t I suffered enough?

I may be the worst person ever, but honestly, I wish she would die rather sooner than later. The chemotherapy can only stretch her life expectancy, give her more time, but what kind of time is that? I don’t want it, cause there is nothing of it I’m enjoying at the moment. Everything is work. Our house looks messy all the time, the door of the fridge is left open for more than half an hour sometimes and a lot of other stuff. The worst is, she doesn’t see herself as being that ill.

So, in conclusion I’m not sure whether I’m already in hell or just stuck with my nose against the window of it. Bear with me as I keep finding out, will you?!

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  • I’m here if you need to talk or take your mind off things. As one caretaker to another, don’t forget to take care of yourself even as you’re there for your mum. Run a hot bath, dance to your fav song. It’s not easy what you’re going through and I admire your patience. Hang in there.

    • Thanks!! I’ll probably go to bed early tonight since I’m exhausted and I need to get a head start on studying tomorrow. This weekend was just over the top and not in a good way.

  • I feel so sorry for you and your mom =( I understand how it is to take care of someone day in and day out, and I know it’s rough. If you ever need to talk, let me know, I’m here. Hang in there – and even if your mom doesn’t say it, I know she’s grateful for you. =)

    • Thank you and also for the follow! I know my mom is grateful for what I do but I don’t feel good about it because I’m doing it so reluctantly. My whole psyche is turned upside down at the moment I guess.

  • Oh wow, I haven’t seen this one yet. That’s rough, really rough. But I agree, that extra time that the doctors might be able to grant your mother may not be worth it if all it’s doing is allowing her to suffer more. I know I wouldn’t want my mom to live out the rest of her days like that…I realize this post was from a bit back, but hopefully things are looking up :) <—that would be my weak attempt at a smile if we were in person, especially after reading this.

    • You’re right, this post was from a while back. I wrote it after this very bad weekend, she was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. Yesterday we actually got good news, seems like chemo is working a bit, the tumor didn’t grow since November, which is a VERY good thing with this kind if cancer.

  • … so sorry to read about your mum, have been dancing myself with the demon – and I have been lucky so fare … even if my life has shrunken a bit after all the treatment I have a life and I’m really so happy about it. Terminal ill – what a terrible penalty – both for the person who is the victim and everybody around. So-so, sorry.

    • Thanks. Yes, I read that you had cancer yourself. It’s a bitch, I hate cancer. Gladly, at the moment my mom is doing ok, considering everything but it is just so hard to see how such a disease changes a person, especially a person you love so much.

      • Yes, to stand outside the disease and looking at what treatments to your loved one – must be terrible, because you can’t do anything … glad that you mum is doing okay, but still it’s a bitch.

  • I don’t have reach but know that I am holding your hand. :)

    • Thank you so much *hh*
      It isn’t as bad at the moment as it was when I wrote the post but some days she is really confused and weak.